Let me free.

In between my brain and my mouth there's a really huge boulder that stands in its way. Because my mouth rarely says what my brain actually want to say. Its freaking ridiculous.

It's like when someone ask me. 'are you mad at me?' my brain would be filled with all these thoughts like how exactly I feel and why I feel that way. But my mouth would eventually said 'NO, I'm fine' or sometimes at its laziest day it would resort to 'I don't know' or even worse the mouth will turn its MUTE mode on and the answer would be silence..

The mouth tend to filter every thought that the brain produced, just because it was too scared. The brain usually parties but the mouth hides it.

I just wish there is something out there that can translate my brain.

Because sometimes when my mouth try hard enough, it will came out with a few sentences but it would be nothing like what my brain just thought and the situation will be all screwed up.

Because of the fear, the mouth also lose the ability to ask. The brain will have too many questions unanswered and it will make stupid assumptions until the brain goes cuckoo.

I don't know. I usually end up discontented. Feeling like I held so many things in my head that it could explode anytime. I'll end up hating everyone around me including myself.

So tired.

Seeing is believing?

People are so naive aren't they. That includes me. It's even disturbing sometimes how superficial human can be. So easy to manipulate, so easy to be manipulated.

What you see is not always the truth. We assume, that's the easy way. Well that's the only way. No one can read minds. That's why people always say things like 'She looks like a nice person'. Huh.

They say the eyes can only see what the mind can see. Something like that. We only believe things that are in front of us. If I hide a fact about myself, others might even think that it doesn't even exist. It's so easy. For all you know I can even have an entirely different life out there.

I guess that is why people keep secrets. Not telling is almost as equal as non existent. People do all sorts of weird stuff in this world and they kept it a secret and the world will also think that there are no such things. Everybody wins.

But a well kept secret is better than a partial truth. People are scared of things they don't understand. Fear of the unknown. However that's an entirely different thing.

Bitter

Last week was revision week. It was depressing and lonely. There's nothing much to do rather than study. Except that everything else feels much more compelling than study. So I kinda stare at my laptop most of the times. There was one time the electricity was out and I got really freaked out, luckily we were going to the ward so when we got back everything was fine.

I don't talk. The two people I wanted to talk to were kinda busy with their own life.

So.I fed my restaurant city's employees every 4-6 hrs, which is more than I fed myself, the food here sucks.

I watched tonnes of youtube videos. I love the wongfu productions - they are awesome. Community Channel - She's hillarouos. There's this Gavin Hoey guy, is pretty awesome too, he teaches about photoshop and photography, very basic things but I kinda like him.

The website the oatmeal, is kinda fun too. It suppose to be funny and annoying and rude at the same time. But I enjoyed it. I love his post about the angler fish. haha. Awesome.

I logged in to deviantart everyday. Post at forums and admiring other peoples arts and obsessing about my pageviews everyday.

I read one piece until chapter 60 but then I got bored, because the page load was so slow.

I watched Grey's anatomy for how many millions times. I don't know.

My relationship turns one and a half year last week. That's pretty cool.

I went to watch K.A.P.O.W.W Atoi the Ajaib Boy! Yeah. People don't believe me.

I listened to the same playlist over and over again. So I got bored easily, I ended up downloading few songs everyday. Ingrid Michealson's new songs are kinda awesome. David Choi music's melts my heart.

Now, it over. Holidays begin~! I don't know about my exams. I won't be surprise if I failed, because it's Internal Medicine. Plus I still get to go to fourth year next week.

**pic-first wedding photography,tag along musran

A little confuse

I'm turning 22 soon. Still halfway through medical school. Live a routine life. Pretty ordinary. All laid out. Its just getting pretty boring.

I wanted to do something out of myself. Something big and important. Make a history or make a difference to the world. Well not really. Just something different than now. Make myself useful. You know, rather than just go to school, eat, weep over sappy movies and then sleep.

If only I could just quit everything right now and go somewhere else. Start from scratch and be someone. Well. That kind of life only works in movies. It's not that simple.

Just sometimes. How I really wish to be a I don't know a famous actress or a successful athlete or conquer the Everest or be the first Angsawanita (haha, there's no such thing) and travel to the moon. What I mean is I want to do something I really love and be really awesome at it.

Not that I'm not grateful with my life right now, but I just not living it to the fullest.

However. Come to think of I still can change the world with my life right now. I mean, it is just really up to me.

I want to write a book. Produce a movie. Be in a band. Create a video game. I want to be aggressive and impulsive. Be a voice of a cartoon character. Join a cosplay. Dance my heart out. Be a painter. Alright I'd better stop. xx

White coat strollers

Medicine is awesome. That's what I think. I mean all the stuff that we have been studying during the pre-clinical years actually do come true. They do, just like in the textbook. So, we will be kinda get excited with stuff that others think is nothing or completely ridiculous. Talk medical jargon as daily basis. Joke about something only few people will understand and finds it funny.


When we are in the ward all we need to do is clerking and sometimes physical examinations. Its fun actually, it's like a guessing game. Try to diagnose a disease by asking just the right questions. However, we are dealing with people, to do that I think we need an air of superiority around us. Just a little, not until its demeaning. Just enough so people will actually response and obey you because they are sick so sometime they are not in the mood to talk. Which I find most of the final years students have and some of the third year students. But I don't or maybe yet to discover.

You know, to us. Even poking a finger into someone's anus can be intriguing.

In medical world, you put everything into short forms. New posting, new short forms. Say, now I'm in surgical posting, I learned - ESWL, IVU, IO, SIRS, CVP, CBD, SPC and so much more. Even the most ridiculous meaning like E/A - electively admitted or TTO kot - to transfer out. Some short forms might means different to a layman, for example to my sister GBS is geng bas sekolah but to us its Gullian-Barre syndrome. PR can means public relation but it also means per rectal.

Being called stupid is like a routine.

Being young and brilliant is basically nothing. But the older you are the cooler. Because medicine is measured by experience and skills. The longer you practice means that you've seen more. Because sometimes two patients with the same disease can come with a whole different presentation. Or sometimes in different severity.

What's common is common. It's true I guess. That's why patient with a rare disease can be a celebrity among us. :D

Jiwa dan Perasaan.

Feelings don't lie. Yes you can hide it, mask it all you want but in the end the feelings is still there. You can't be happy just because you want to be happy. The feelings is still there even if you don't want it to be there. Say, you really don't want to be angry to someone but then if that person did the exact thing that make you really angry. Oh dear, that just can't be helped.

Even a teeny tiny bit of feelings. It's there. I find it really disturbing. wahh~

Memang xboleh tipu. It's just up to you to accept it or deny it. :D

Sementara menunggu turn bedside teaching with Dr. Fadzil~

Double Dose

Don't you think its selfish to call yourself unselfish? Come to think of it, everyone is selfish. Things that we do for others usually in a way also has a benefit to ourselves too. No matter how noble it seems there's always something behind it that has some personal profit on us. Like rich people gave donation, as a result they will get recognition for being generous. A guy helped an elderly to cross a road, he'll get self-satisfaction. It's a good thing but you know the guy won't help the elderly in the first place if he's gonna hate himself afterwards. Sometimes we just do good things just to please others so that we won't look bad or sometimes we just do good things so that in the future people will do the same to you too. Don't you think? Ish. I just hate that when people claim how unselfish they were, how they've done this and that sincerely just to help others. Then why would you tell others about it, just so that people will adore you? aih. You can tell it all you want to others but just don't call yourself unselfish.

Enough about that.

Anyway, how do you expect people to listen to you if you don't listen to others? People talked a lot. I mean a lot. And they expect others to listen. Listen and understand and share the same emotions as what they are having. But then when others talked they're are just like, 'Oh really?' and that's all. Unless it's some controversial issues or some stupid jokes. I know it's tiring, especially listening to others problems but can't you just listen. Don't do other stuff or changed the topic and don't undermine or ridicule what they had said. It hurts when people just said "ala, xde pape tuh" or just laughed it away. It's hard for some people to confide and it usually something very important for them. Just listen and try to understand even though if its really hard to accept.

Well, its not entirely true but you know it happens.

**the pic - me brother with his crazy friends. huu. xbes skolah pn lagi dorg mih. saje buang mase edit. anyway i just love the outcome. plus got nothing to do with this post pn**

Roarrr!

This is a pointless post. I just had the urge to write so I have to.

Oh dear clinical years. How many types of people you can meet. It made me question myself why do I do medicine. I don't even like people. I don't know the art of sucking up either. But these people they sure are interesting. How I long for those preclincal years.

Alright. Here's how I see things in the hospital. I always think it as a jungle. A very thick jungle. You sometimes can even see a food chain. Of course we medical students are the lowest in it. The most naive and vulnerable. This food chain I would say is dominated by Lions. Kings of the jungle who are the oldest lion that would be the Consultant and Speacialist. The most wise. Next would be the young adult lions and teenage lions. Well those are the Medical Officers and the House Officers. These busy bees do all the hardwork but the older they are the more they tend to forget how they used to be young. Then come us, the Cubs. The most eager. Who always crave for attention. Oh dear. These lions there sure are wise but they are also fierce, arrogant and they really like to roar. However they will always look dashing when they are perfoming surgeries, procedures and all while others wacthing in awe. There is maybe a handful of supernice Lions in the jungle but we must not forget the evil ones too. They are just unpredictable and unreasonably demeaning. huh.

Next, come the Deers. They usually provide for the Lions. That would be the nurses and other health staffs. They are very fast and efficient. They even sometimes don't really like the cubs because they know what will we grow up into.

Then come the plants. They are green and almost unappreciated. We sometimes forget how important they are. They clean all the mess those Lions and Deers had done. What will happen to the jungle without those plants. Well meet the Radicare people.

However I'm having trouble classifying the patients. Well. Maybe we can considered them as other species of animals because they are all sorts of people that came with all sorts of problems to seek advise from the Lions.

Whoa. That's a long crappy thing I just wrote. Huu. Kate obses. Bangun n tidur pun ingat logbook. :D


Here is one of the kings in action. heh. Cool eh?

hello~

Meet my new laptop. It's pink and it's pretty. Though nothing much but I love it~ Pic by my lobsterman with our new D60. :D

This year hasn't been a good year for me. Technology wise. I tought I can get back on track with my blogging but then my modem pulak rosak due to over excitement because holding too much secrets. what the hell.

I've always wanted to tell the whole stories about my holidays. How I manage to watch seven movies in five weeks even the one I would never expect myself watch it, how I cook tasteless meals, how I spend splendid times with my families, how I acquire a uniform to attend weddings, some serious shopping after raiding almost all shopping malls in one day, the wine of the forbidden island (oh, hush) ;) and soo much more. Tapi.. Rasenye sume tu dah basi. So lets get moving. But first, some of my favourite pics~



the eyes were too big but the amount of money was too little

Well. people. have you met someone or maybe you are one of them, the kind of people who always get what they want and won't be happy unless it is exactly the way they want it. Well. I have. A lot of them. But so what. The good thing about them is that they will usually try very hard to get what they want. And there are two kinds of them. One who only enjoys the chase and the work and not so much about the product. The other one is the one who really treasures the product or the outcome of their effort. These people they have aims and visions, even on petty stuffs and they really know what they want and once they realized it they wont stop with any means possible until they achieved it. They can get a little annoying when they didn't get it and won't stop whining until they get another chance to try. Merely describing.

What if, the thing you are trying to have is wrong?
What if, you are just one of the product of someone who loves to chase? Hmm.. Drama.

Well. me? I'm neither. I do get what I want. Sometimes. But usually it takes a very long time. Because what I usually do is, I wish and I wait. So screwed. Or sometimes I did it in my own way which some people don't understand. But hey, it worked and I'm grateful. or I'm just lazy. :D

Till we meet again~!! tak tau la bile.

Yes, no, maybe, I don't know

Principles. Do you have one? I bet you do. We all do. Not just one but a whole lot. Maybe we just don't realize it. yet. What is it anyway? I think it's kinda like a rule that you made for yourself and willingly wants to abide to it. Well you know like when people said..

I don't drink in a plastic cup or I don't eat from stalls by the street. It can a simple as that or it can be on bigger issues like I won't do drugs or no sex until marriage. I really having a hard time coming out with examples, but yeah.

I don't think what the principle is that matters but sticking to it is more important

People have reasons for their own principles. A real good one usually. Well depends on their reasoning too sometimes. When people start to give reason to things that they really want, even wrong things can sound right. When you put your words in a really proper way you actually can get want just by tweaking the truth a little. I really suck at that area. I don't know how to manipulate and when I tried I tend to be transparent. Yeah. I digress. I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about principles right now, because I have a serious problem with that.

People said, rules are meant to be broken. Well, maybe. But how bout principles. I don't know about you, but I broke mine all the time. Ugh. I really hate myself for that. You see I just can't let people down. I mean. When my principle says I don't want to do this because it's wrong or because I just don't like it but when someone ask me to, I tend to follow it. Blindly. Just like that. I am so easy to be influenced. I absorbed it like a sponge. I am afraid to say no, because I am afraid of what people will think of me and that's just stupid because I believe my principles are good. You know, when you stand up on your principle people tend to say ' ee.. baik nye' and I think that comes with a subtle smirk (well that's what I usually do). Maybe I just made that up in my mind. Because I know I am not that good. But I want to be good. Hahaha. That just sound really corny and who cares what people think when you are doing the right thing. Right?

But I hate people with too much principles. because I think they are no fun and they not that good anyway talk too many and do so little. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not that strong.

I don't even know if anyone will understand what I'm trying to say. :D

Scibbling away~

I recently noticed that I like to write. Though mostly to myself and most of them are craps. But it helps, sort of, to channel my feelings and it does makes me feels better. It's like talking to someone but you're not being judge.

I write things that would took me a great deal of effort for me to say. If you want to get to know me or want to know what I think of you, just ask me to write to you. I could be a cold monster but I can also give you diabetes for being too sweet. Whichever I want. *Exaggeration alert*

I tend to get emotional when I write. Writing here, I had to pay the price. It fascinates me how people could qoute what I wrote, assume, make conclusion and sometimes give answers to my own dillemmas. Eventhough I only have a handful readers and most of them are my friends(including those anonymous and those people with sophisticated nicknames), it made me realize that words have powers. But words are also permanent. I might delete some things that I've wrote, but once it has made an impression it can never be the same.

Writing and talking are not the same. Atleast I would like to assume that. Yes. Both uses words. When we write we have all the time in the world to think of our next sentence but when we are talking, it is rather more spontaneous. I don't know but I think it depends on the person. Some people could charm others with only a few words but to some people their world could turn into hell once they speak.

But words are interesting. It depends on how people use it. It can be beautiful. It can be extremely hideous. Words are use to describe other words, like in a dictionary. A long sentence and a short sentence can convey the same message but maybe to a different level of understanding.

I'm babbling and I don't care. I just miss my blog so much~! :D

Darn

Mistakes are awful. It's just plain stupid. After a mistake was done, I would have one desperate wish. The wish that I haven't done that one particular action that has led to the particular mistake. Ugh. But mistake makes you learn. I guess. My latest lesson is air sirap and laptop doesn't go along so well.

So, yeah. Laptop rosak~! wahhh. xley nak berblogging atau ape2 yg bekenaan dgn computer. Dapat alasan utk tak update blog~ huhu

Oh no. Baru igt. My latest lesson is not laptop and air sirap but tertinggal beg duit dalam bas maraliner. Wah~ Whatever. It's just stupid to make the same mistake twice.

What's so hard about it?

I currently have two problems. First, I have trouble telling people how I feel. I don't know why but it somehow makes me feels vulnerable. Second, I have people who have trouble telling me how they feel and make my life a living puzzle.

Thinking about something and saying it out loud is a whole different thing. Just because you think of it or assume something about it doesn't makes it real. Assumption is remotely a fact. There's no single human being in this whole wide world that can actually read minds. (Uh,no offense Edward Cullen) Hence, we need to tell others or at least ask . Don't assume. Don't make your own conclusion. Don't do something stupid without knowing things for sure.

Say, if you like a girl. Just because she replied your smile doesn't mean she has the same feelings towards you. But there's also a slight chance that she is totally in love with you. So, you need to find out by telling her. Paham?

Giving silent treatment and going all sulky when you are angry doesn't make things any better. It makes things worst. Sometimes people doesn't even know why you are angry. Tell them if they hurt your feelings. Sometimes words act better than action.

Sometimes it's a comfort to know. Even though you have say it thousands times before. Like telling your mum how much you miss her.

I think telling people how you feel makes the world a better place to live. Though it's a skill that I really need to work on. Hold no grudge. Spread the love. :D

......

Really had the urge to write but nothing came out. ugh. Just like constipation with tenesmus. wtf?

First born rules!

I have a theory. That came from my sheer observation since my childhood and all my subjects revolve from my family. The theory is about the differences between the first and second born.

It only applies when:
-Both of them have the same gender.
-Their age gap usually less than 3 years.

Okay, from what I observe the first child seems to be more active, naughtier, smarter but less successful in life because they tend to be more carefree. Oh, less successful doesn't mean they are some kind of pathetic loser but just in comparison with the second child.

The second child seems to be more tense, well disciplined and they work harder so they tend to have a proper or better life.

But. I have no idea why they are like that or maybe it's just me trying to say what I want to believe.

Annddd... Guess what? Guess what?

There's actually this thing called Second Child Syndrome. Yeah. However, it doesn't really relates with my so-called theory but it somehow describes the parenting difference that the second child usually received.

Your first child was the over-protected experiment…but she also got your undivided attention, a full schedule of playdates and ‘educational outings,’ and frame-by-frame video and photography documentation of every big first – at least until her sister was born.

Enter the second child. You may recognize her by her gently-worn wardrobe, smaller bedroom, and nearly empty baby book. She has committed the entire Nick Jr. afternoon programming schedule to memory, and knows the best way to get mom’s attention is to make noise – and a lot of it. Fighting with her older sibling is her favorite pastime. But she’s also amazingly self-sufficient, and full of wonderful surprises.

Oh well, there goes my another falsampah. haha. ape ape jelah.

Hmm. I wonder why is it every time I work harder it gets harder. I felt like a complete idiot just now during PBL. Even though the night before I've read so much. So much compared to before this lah. It seems to be much easier when I didn't bother to try. Maybe that's why I always consider myself to be allergic or sensitive to hard work because my brain seems to work much better with less info in it and gets full blown anaphylactic shock when I tried put more info in it than it could ever consume. Definitely bullshit~ :D

When hormones come to play

Let me go. Please. I'm sorry. Set me free. Oh. Kill me already.

Exhibit A

I love photoshop. Not that I'm really good, I'm still learning and in every new piece of mine I always include new techniques that I just learned mostly from the internet or accidentally. Above is my newest piece that was supposedly to be used in an exhibition last week. I just learned how to make the background it's called the retro rays which is fairly simple actually. I love the colour combination of red ,white and black with white as the background colour. You might notice that the fonts was getting smaller as it goes down which I tried my hardest to fit in all the texts. Owh. I also tried to do the pasting effect where it was supposed to look like you cut the something from somewhere else and pasted it in the picture like I did with the tap with running water and the lice but it didn't turn out so well.

Hell break loose when all about the exhibition went wrong and damage enhanced as I went to the penis fest that weekend. The after meeting felt like judgment day.

Questions asked, explanations demanded. But I couldn't save myself and luckily there was Aini and Kak Fatin. Immaturity is so me. So, I did like what ika suggested me to do. Turned on the music.


As I was listening to the loud music I stared blankly with aching heart. They were all looked like in some kind of music video with unsynchronized lip sync. The band members - the president, the director and the head comms. Took turns to sing their heart out but I don't have the heart to listen. Some with their hair bouncing up and down as they talk. Some scrutinized whatever it is in their handbag.

Whatever it is I despise leading/organizing I just wanted to be a designer. I always think preaching through arts is kinda cool.