Seeing is believing?

People are so naive aren't they. That includes me. It's even disturbing sometimes how superficial human can be. So easy to manipulate, so easy to be manipulated.

What you see is not always the truth. We assume, that's the easy way. Well that's the only way. No one can read minds. That's why people always say things like 'She looks like a nice person'. Huh.

They say the eyes can only see what the mind can see. Something like that. We only believe things that are in front of us. If I hide a fact about myself, others might even think that it doesn't even exist. It's so easy. For all you know I can even have an entirely different life out there.

I guess that is why people keep secrets. Not telling is almost as equal as non existent. People do all sorts of weird stuff in this world and they kept it a secret and the world will also think that there are no such things. Everybody wins.

But a well kept secret is better than a partial truth. People are scared of things they don't understand. Fear of the unknown. However that's an entirely different thing.

The choice is yours.

Life is full of choices. Most of the times life sucks because of our own decision. From what I know there's two ways to live a life.

The easy way or The right way.

But both will give you the same result.

Someone might think it would be wise to the live life the easy way. Most of the time I will opt for the easy way, easy means fast. But easy can also mean wrong. Most of the time the easy way is the one lazy people chose. Easy example would be like cutting a long queue. Its easy, fast and you'll get just what you want. But you'll get other people angry too and just imagine if everyone did the same thing. It'll be chaotic and rules exist for a reason.

The right way usually chose only by the righteous. I usually chose this when it won't cost me too much trouble or I'm simply in a good mood. The good way will also get you to the things you want, maybe a littler slower but it'll clear your conscience and everyone will be happy.

I always thought that the easy way would be like using the expressway, its fast but you'll have to pay but the right way will be like using the daily driveway slow but you'll get there eventually.

It the end, the choice is always yours but it's just that the end doesn't justify the means. Its pretty boring. I don't know just something to ponder.

Benjamin Button in reverse.

Last few weeks I went to an old folks home. I had the chance to talk to some of them and they were all very cheerful. Most of them are in their 70's. Playing my role, I took some pictures and immediately showed it to them and to my surprise they were very excited and their reactions was just like the reaction of my three year old cousin.

It reminds me, someone once said. Old age is the second childhood.

This fact has been stuck in my head since then and I still haven't been proven wrong. The more I think about it, the more alike they become.

When incontinence comes, we start wearing diapers.
Wheelchair is the golden age version of walker and stroller.
When we can't swallow, we back to drink milk maybe not from a bottle but feeding tube.
And need to be fed every few hours.
We need 24-hours surveillance, because we can't just take care of ourselves.
Some even back to sleep in a cot, maybe not as colorful as before but still serves the purpose.
We lost our articulation.
People don't take you seriously anymore.
Little things amuse you.
People are easily amaze when you accomplish something. Because we are back to the (re)learning phase, but not as smart.

The only difference is that babies are cuter.

Have any?

What drives you to get up in the morning? You know apart from Subuh prayer and daily responsibilities. Have you found your purpose of life? People have been telling me to work like you'll live another thousand years and pray like you'll die tomorrow. I know our 'ultimate' purpose of life. For all I know I could die in the next hour. But, I think haven't find my own purpose of life. You know most of the days I just live, because there's not much left to do anyway.

Most people might say they live for their loved ones. For their spouses and children but rarely people live for their parents. Anyway, I was at the clinic today and I never met a guy who was so happy to know that his two-month-old child has just gained 900 grams body weight in a month. Some might say they live for their dreams, passion and all. I don't know, I always heard all this from movies and dramas from around the world. Few of us really live for God. Most of us want to, but a very few people will.

But I think a whole lot of us didn't have any purpose at all. They just follow what comes in front of them and keep on living. Don't you think?

or maybe it's just me.

I also think it's a good thing to have dreams. I don't know. I just realize it actually. However, by just dreaming doesn't mean we'll get it but it is so much better than not to dream at all.

Oh well. Having all these purposes and goals and dreams is just to keep ourselves occupied with life. No matter how high or how low our life have been, its gonna end anyway. Soon. And we can't never do anything about it. fuh.

Money Honey

Take a piece of paper and print a face of an old guy on it - there you go, you got the most powerful piece of paper in the world, or also known as money.

First, everyone needs it. Like really need it. I mean, our whole life is pretty much about money anyway. See, when we grow up we need to go to school, collect as much as A's that you can and go to the university take the toughest course and maintain your grade there too. So that we can get a job that pay a lot money, then work for half of your life just to buy food, save for the old days. and if we live long enough we can retire and spend it for medical expenses or if not maybe die while working.

I love money and who doesn't? You know some people say money is not important, it can't buy certain things you know like love. I know that. But then with money, there is one less problem to be worried with. Both rich and poor has problems right? So it's better be rich and has problems.

About love, I don't know, there are lot of rich people experience love too and not all poor people are happily in love. So, it is just a matter of luck. Oh and my mummy always has this theory, rich people are mostly good looking. You know why, because when the guy is rich he can get beautiful girls and so their offspring would turned out kinda pretty too.

The thing about money is that it is evil. People do all sorts of thing for money. Apart from everyone needs it, everyone also wants it. And it will never be enough. But the truth is money always made its way through worse because if not how can a rubber tapper supports a family of seven with income of rm500 per month. Of course the rubber tapper would say it's not enough but students who get more than rm5000 scholarship every six months also said their money is not enough. :D

p/s - In a very paranoid mood, I'm going crazy. -.-" Oh, I passed my exams!!
- pic - duit rm50 yg penuh dgn sellotape, utk jadi bentuk love. :)

Everybody, eventually

If you were given a choice, how long would you want to live? A split second answer might be forever. But if you think closely you might don't want it.

Everyone is afraid of death. People use all of their might to keep on living, even though their life might be as suck as hell. Maybe not literally. But why are we afraid of it. In my religious belief I have solid reasons why to be afraid. But others, I don't know. Because some of them believe that when we die we will all go straight to heaven, if that's the case why got scared? Well, I think because we don't what will happen after we die and you have to go through it alone. Nobody has live through it and tell the stories to others.

Being immortal sounds fun. Just because you won't die. But then in all of the fictions they all can't die but also remain young. You know like all those pretty vampires. Maybe that's okay. Still, you'll get pretty lonely and maybe a little bored. But if we are immortal and turn old, I don't think anyone would want that. Could you imagine how ugly you'll look if you are 1000 years old, I'll be like come on kill me already.

So, if you got the chance to choose the age you'll die, what will it be?

At the age of 40 they said life has just begun. 50, hmm, maybe you thought you haven't live enough. At 60 usually when all the diseases starts coming in. Well, maybe 60. Because at 70 you'll be kinda too old to do much. I wouldn't want to live until I'm all sick and bedridden, poop on diapers and all. Because that's pretty much not a life anymore.

But the scariest thing about death is that it come unannounced. It could be anytime, anywhere and anyone. You know, even the most powerful leader in the world who are being protected 24/7 can simply die of choking a fish bone, for example. Not so powerful after all isn't it?

They say it's blind

I've been watching a lot of Ellen Degeneres lately, I know she has been married to a girl. Portia De Rossi to be exact but I've never seen they together before until now. You know, when I finally see them together I thought they look really in love and sweet. I mean is it really possible? for you to love someone of the same gender as you.

Would you call it love? You know, as they define it like those classical love of a boy and a girl we grow up watch.

I'm not against it or anything, but I just can stand to accept it. I mean for the Americans. But the thing is, what an American does, the world follows. That's bothersome, especially all those stupid Malaysian kids who would do anything they saw on TV.

I've tried to be okay with it but then too much things come into my mind. It's like two same poles of magnets put together.

Later on, I found out that Adam Lambert is gay too. (I know,kinda late) That disappointing. Even Barney from how I met your mother is gay. uh.

If everyone is gay, especially those talented and good looking ones, who's going to produce the next generation of gay. I know they like to adopt children from a heterosexual couple or a surrogate mother or a girl who got knocked up and sane enough not to throw it away in the dumpsters like a baby is a complementary gift of bad relationship.


I don't know maybe that's why they say love is blind.

6,814,400,000 minus 1

I most certainly think that my life is so important. Sometimes, even stepping on a cat poop can be a big deal to me. But so does everyone else. You know there's like 6.8 billion people in this world and I bet each of them thought so too.

And it's kinda ridiculous to say one life is superior than others. Its equally important. 6,814,400,000 people minus 1. Does it matter? What if it is you?

So, yeah. If one day my house got bombed and I lost a limb or a millionaire goes bankrupt or a pauper became a millionaire overnight. Each of them must think that its like the most important think that can ever happen to them. But to others it could be just another headlines they read as they pass a newsstand.

I just want to say that, life goes on. No matter how bad it gets(or good). There's nothing like a pause or a fast forward button that could help you get through it. It's not gonna undo itself no matter how hard you wish. Other people wouldn't care as much either, because it's not their life.

Anyway, there it is. I was really dreading to start a new posting and thought of these. :D

The grass is always greener on the other side.

What we have is always never good enough. There's always something else better than it. I mean always.

It always looked good and better when we don't have it. Well. Have you like dream to really want something? You know like an awesome gadgets, the coolest guy in school or a promotion in your career. The thing that we want always has this cool characteristics like very good looking, or 8 megapixels. We start to build our own imagination, about how good will it feels to actually have it.

And then, if someday we do actually got it. It doesn't feels as great as we'd imagine it, well maybe at first, but then other things would show up and we would want that too. The cycle will just starts over again.

Like I said. Never good enough. Or like some would say, "there's always a hotter girl"

I know we are thought to be grateful of what we have because some people might never had the chance. But then we just can't help it.

However, to have these dreams or desires actually make us move forward. You know it creates this passion to get something better, to be better. People will make new things, something more awesome. Next thing you know, there's 10 megapixels.

Well, if not. The world won't change, we'll still wear animal skins as clothes, people don't shave and communicates through smokes or pigeons.

**pic-total randomness. my brother with my little cousin who follows him like a shadow

Young before old

not him ok
I know a man. An old man actually. When I was little, he was rich, has multiple wive plus had some affairs too. I know because I heard about it even saw it once. Didn't know what I saw then but now I do. Uh. Living the life he won't be so proud of now. Anyway. At that time he was on top of the world, rich and handsome. Had beautiful children who acted just like him, well not all of them.

But then things started to turn around. Bussiness collapse and when you're poor girls left you. Luckily one stay, as usual the first wife. I guess. Live up with his pension. Whiled he stayed home. He eventually changed. He became this guy who wears white robe, went to the mosque for every prayers. One that impress me is that he even wrote a book. About behavioural problems, how to live life the way prophet Muhammad SAW did. How to do it in our time. Ironic. Anyway. It doesn't matter who he is, what matter is what he wrote.

So, it got me thinking. Can we live our life recklessly when we are young, then when we are old just repent. Just repent and everything will be fine. It's not fair. Well, in this case I think he's just lucky. He got to live up to this age and realized what a jerk he was.

I think because when we are old. We have gone through all the big milestones of life that most young people look foward to. You know, like finishing studies, have a career, getting married, have children and granchildren or even contract a disease. Then, what's left is the end of your life. Maybe at that time only we'll think. All that is left to do is surrendering ourselves to God.

That we should have done as early as we can. Which I know very hard and I wish to be as lucky as him.

p/s: uh. sorry bad photoshop.

Pretty Ugly

I love good looking people. You name it pretty, beautiful, handsome or dashing I just love them all. In fact. Everyone does. I mean they are just so nice to look at and everyone would like to be one. They even get special treatment from others. I've seen it a lot. I do that too sometimes. Even in the ward cute babies get more attention than the others.

Some people can even use looks to earn money. That's just so nice.

However. When we are in the sea of strangers and we are lost. Or when we are performing on a stage in front of a big crowd. Or when we are in a deepest trouble. Or when we are so sad. We don't look for the prettiest people in town or the best looking guy in school. We'll look for the familiar face. Faces of someone who is close and important to you. We won't care if they are ugly or pretty. Even a Miss Universe can't beat that.

Well, unless the miss universe is someone important to you la kan. :D

Hello World

Sometimes we think that we own the world. It's so familiar, it's so predictable. But you can't own the world even my world is totally different from yours. Maybe you can own your world but sometimes even our own world seems out of hand.

I mean, today could be the saddest day of my life but who knows it could be the happiest day of someone else who just had the same experience as me. Be it a walk in the park or receiving a text message.

I hate changes. It makes me feel not in control. Changes are sometimes a problem. Say, hmm.. If you lost someone or if a family splits things can never be the same again. The world that was so familiar before are now different. How your routine life will change. If before there are five people in the family and now there are four. Its sounds like a no big different but actually its a tremendous lost. At these times we'll only realize those small parts that one particular person did to our life. Okay, maybe losing someone is too big of a change. But let's say we go to class or office everyday with a car, the trip was routine and almost forgettable. but if suddenly on one fine day one of the tires punctured - that would be a problem and we have to deal with it.

Changes remind us that we are not always in control with our life.

I was in a labour room one day, you know its timeless in there. Those babies they come out anytime they like. It was 3 a.m. at that time. It was hectic, people running around with their works, you could see a few worried and sleepy husbands here and there and if you enter one of the room you could hear doctors and nurses cheering to help the labour process. Macam pasar borong. Anyway, I was cold, tired and sleepy. So I went outside for a while. It took me almost by surprise. The night was warm, silent and serene. The sky was very pretty with stars everywhere and you could almost feel people are sleeping out there. Completely different from where I've been 30 seconds ago. I don't know, at that time I felt so small and the world is so big. :D

*pic - balqis again~ my favorite little person

The villain in you

I wonder does our childhood shape who we are today. I mean, we have seen all these in the movies and TV series. A child with a horrible childhood usually turned out to be the bad guy. You know, we have Sylar from Heroes or Voldemort from Harry Potter. They always give reasons why the villains are villains.

My childhood wasn't all that great. Maybe it does shaped who am I today. A little. Back then, when we have problems at home I always pretend nothing happened, I'll just go to school and act that everything is fine even though horrible things happened just before I go to school. But then, at that time I was little and I can ignore them because there's nothing else I can do. Just hope and pray it will solve itself. And to me it does solve itself, but you just have to bear with it. However. I got carried away. The way I face problems today never changed. Ignoring and hoping always the way to go.

I don't know. Maybe it does shape you. It taught you how the way you see things. The way you think because when you were a child everything is a first. Maybe because of repeated exposure. You know, just like Pavlov's dog theory. Maybe it all accounts as experiences. The way a rich kid act can be different from a poor kid just because their perceptions towards the same situation is different.

Maybe to some their childhood doesn't really affect who they are today. Or maybe they just don't realize it or maybe the effects wasn't that significant because it doesn't make them villains today. So we think. :D

*pic - humaira, my three year old cousin. huu. abes sume cousin kne promote. gadis gedix bersuare menggoda. wahaha. xcaye? met her as a guy. tapi sgt comey n talks too much.

Emosi Comot

It's a mess alright. Emotions that is. It impairs our judgment. Why do we need it? They say it makes us human. I say it makes us miserable. People don't usually think straight when they are emotional. It makes us almost delusional sometimes. How small things can be ridiculously big when emotions stepped in. How simple can be complicated. How straight can be crooked.

Happy. Sad. Love. Hate. Anger. Jealousy. Grateful. Greed.

I can only think most of the negative ones. Do we experience emotion all the times? I don't know. Because right now I don't know what kind of feelings I'm having. But just because I can't name one doesn't mean it's not there. Weird things is. We always said feelings came from the heart. Truth is it's from brain. The hippocampal lobe to be exact. Then we can say emotions are merely neurons firings here and there plus some hormones, just like anything else.

We all have seen how emotion affects us. It affects our decisions. Same situation can lead to different decision when different emotions involve. kan2? I mean the way we think is different when we are angry than when we are happy. But at both times we will think we are damn right.

Apekah poin saye menulis ini? Ntah lah.

I think I'm just amaze by their influence. That's all. Even though it's messy I still think it's great. Spice up our life because without it we are just like robot. Only do things that we are suppose to.


**The pic - That was Balqis. My 2 year old cousin. Seorang gadis blur. Baru pas makan roti canai~

uh-oh

Tell me. Is there anyone out there that haven't done anything wrong. Not a single thing. Live closely by the laws. Whatever laws out there. Is there? Hmmm. I don't know. Not if you are a human.

Doing something wrong, it also means breaking a law, don't you think? Maybe indirectly or maybe just some unwritten law or maybe just something that your mother ask you not to do but somehow we know it is wrong. bad.. So, why do we do it? Is it fun? Well. Sometimes. Depends. Cutting class can be fun. Speeding is also fun. Even stealing or lying can be fun. It's the thrills. Especially, when you didn't get caught after that.

And sometimes. For some sane people or after we think about it or maybe after doing it for the first time or when you do something really bad. It will also come with guilt. Yeah. The guilt. It makes you think that you won't do it again. Sometimes it works but sometimes it just doesn't. When it doesn't work anymore, you'll do it again and again until it doesn't feel wrong anymore. Now that is real bad.

Anyway, my point today is. If you confided to someone about a wrong thing that you've done and suddenly that person said 'hey, I've done that too'. How would you feel? I bet most of us will feel relieve. It makes us think maybe it is not so bad after all.

Well then. People said misery loves company. But now, we can also say guilt, crime, evil or whatever it is also loves company. Uh oh :D

hello~

Meet my new laptop. It's pink and it's pretty. Though nothing much but I love it~ Pic by my lobsterman with our new D60. :D

This year hasn't been a good year for me. Technology wise. I tought I can get back on track with my blogging but then my modem pulak rosak due to over excitement because holding too much secrets. what the hell.

I've always wanted to tell the whole stories about my holidays. How I manage to watch seven movies in five weeks even the one I would never expect myself watch it, how I cook tasteless meals, how I spend splendid times with my families, how I acquire a uniform to attend weddings, some serious shopping after raiding almost all shopping malls in one day, the wine of the forbidden island (oh, hush) ;) and soo much more. Tapi.. Rasenye sume tu dah basi. So lets get moving. But first, some of my favourite pics~



the eyes were too big but the amount of money was too little

Well. people. have you met someone or maybe you are one of them, the kind of people who always get what they want and won't be happy unless it is exactly the way they want it. Well. I have. A lot of them. But so what. The good thing about them is that they will usually try very hard to get what they want. And there are two kinds of them. One who only enjoys the chase and the work and not so much about the product. The other one is the one who really treasures the product or the outcome of their effort. These people they have aims and visions, even on petty stuffs and they really know what they want and once they realized it they wont stop with any means possible until they achieved it. They can get a little annoying when they didn't get it and won't stop whining until they get another chance to try. Merely describing.

What if, the thing you are trying to have is wrong?
What if, you are just one of the product of someone who loves to chase? Hmm.. Drama.

Well. me? I'm neither. I do get what I want. Sometimes. But usually it takes a very long time. Because what I usually do is, I wish and I wait. So screwed. Or sometimes I did it in my own way which some people don't understand. But hey, it worked and I'm grateful. or I'm just lazy. :D

Till we meet again~!! tak tau la bile.

The time is now.

There are too many great things in this world, like families, health, friends, time and wealth. These things have done miraculous wonders in our life but human seldom notice this because they have get too comfortable with it and think it's gonna last forever. But in the end, these great things share the same irony. We only missed them when they are gone.

So you know what I think we should do in return? Appreciate.

Now. Now. Here comes another human flaw. Procrastination. We love the word later don't we? Because we think there's always plenty of time but the truth is these things go when we least expect it. And when the time has come, there's no point in reminiscing or regretting and thinking I should have done this and that just to clear your guilty conscience. Seriously it's pointless and a waste of time. We should only focus more of our attention in what we still have.

Some say health is like an invincible crown, we only notice it when it's gone. It's true isn't it. Even a small cut at a finger can make your life little less comfortable.

Friends come and goes, but what makes we think that the new one will always have the same quality our former friends.

As I said there are too many great things in this world. If we observe keen enough we will surely see. If we are smart enough we will realize that the time to appreciate is now and always start small. Maybe we can start by saying thank you. Believe me those words can do great wonders too. :D

Oh. This post was actually meant for my late grandmum. Memories keep rushing back and I do have few regrets but I think I did pretty well during our last meeting. So, al-fatihah to nani.

Cube try test

Trying is a good thing, because you'll never lose but you'll always learn. Maybe in a certain situation trying can be a harm but still, you learn. But mostly in our daily life situation trying is essential. You don't have to be a genius to figure the possible outcomes of trying - either you succeed or you fail.

Though I hate trying because most of the time I was scared and sometimes just lazy, but I don't know why.

There was a saying - If you don't ask, the answer is always no.
It means that everything is worth a try, the worse that could happen is rejection though you will definitely get it if you didn't try at the first place. See, what is there to lose.

There was another saying, it means something like the result is not that important but the effort is what that is count. Now. This is a bit complicated and hard to accept, but after a much thought it is true after all.

Effort and outcome. Everyone would love to have the best possible outcome there is out there. But, the question is, have you tried your very best to deserve it? My answer would always be no. huu. As far as I remembered, never in my life I can say that I've tried my best. I do make an effort, but just enough for me to settle in a safe place. I think that's why I never be the best in whatever I do, I can be quite good or almost great and suck most of the time but never the best.

If I tried as much as lifting a finger I shouldn't be expecting a wonderful result woudn't I? but then, it is far better than not trying at all. :D

It never stops

Time. It's something that is not there but yet we can feel the presence explicitly. Yeah. Maybe time is just another interface that used by human to describes things just like another word. But somehow I think it is far more complex than anyone could ever think. It's not merely what number the fingers of a clock is pointing. It can represent a lifetime, a century, hopes, memories, zenith of a dynasty or can simply be divided into three.

Yes, three. The past, the present and the future. But come to think of it how could you possibly divide it. There's no exact line between those three but yet it's there. People say "I live in the moment". Can you? Those moments you called present slip between your fingers with you barely notice it. But some say "It's a gift". That's why it is called the present. That's another way to look at it. It's ironic I would say. Right now I can swear it's the present but by the time I finished writing this sentence it's in the past already. It's like it has never been there. But it was there just now. I could go crazy thinking about it.

I also think that time is the biggest illusion of all time. Hah. But yes. You see the exact amount of time can be excruciatingly long and extremely short at the same time. A minute can be long when you are holding your breath for example and can be meaningless say.. when you are doing things that you love or it can be extremely important like when you are saving someone's life. But still it's only a minute. 60 seconds. tick. tick. There it goes.
Oh, Jeffery Deaver in his novel describes time as an illusion too. It goes something like this.

The past is an illusion,
The future is an illusion,
Only the present is real.

Yes. So true.

Time makes the heart grew fonder. Time makes us forget. Really? Some things you don't just forget. Some things you just can't let go. and it hurt. Sometimes it is just not enough to heal the wound. I'm just saying.

Future. An anticipation. A hope. Merely a creation of mind.

Owh. I'm running out of time. I'm writing this post to kill the time in between classes. Now I wish I could buy more time so I can write more. What the hell. Sori lah teha klu xcukup panjang. hehe.

Hush.

Let's talk about secrets. Juicy. I hate secrets but I have a lot of it. Just had the most awesome night of my life but I can't tell everyone because the fear of hurting one person. Secret is ridiculous.

Secret is power. You can use people if you know their darkest secret. Learn how in Gossip Girl. Huhu.

Secret makes you a liar. There's no explanation needed in that

Secret is fun. When you have someone to share it with.

Secret is tiring. When it affects a big part of your life and when it's all you can think of.

Secret draws attention. Seriously. It's intriguing and most of the time controversial.

Sometimes it is better not to tell because once it is out there's no way back. You can't chew back your own words. But sometimes it's just has to be told. For the greater good. Now I sound like Dumbledore.

Why do people keep secrets?

Because we don't want people to know, but why?

I keep secrets because I want to evade people's judgment, to not hurt someone, to save myself from trouble or simply because I'm a coward. But it is up to me. I like keep things to myself. I'm a private person and only a few out there that can really crack me open. But. I seem to not be able to keep other people's secrets very well. Huu. Don't trust me.

In Desperate Housewives they said, a man is as sick as his secret. So true.

Tiada rahsia antara kita. That's what they say in true love. Bullshit. I don't know maybe it's true. But I don't think so.

But secrets doesn't always has to be all dark and miserable isn't it. But why must you keep good things to yourself.


I don't know what the hell I am talking about. Just typing for the sake of update. Ideas has been popping up like popcorn but I just can't make myself into writing it. Ugh. I'm too lazy to do anything these days. :D