Let me free.

In between my brain and my mouth there's a really huge boulder that stands in its way. Because my mouth rarely says what my brain actually want to say. Its freaking ridiculous.

It's like when someone ask me. 'are you mad at me?' my brain would be filled with all these thoughts like how exactly I feel and why I feel that way. But my mouth would eventually said 'NO, I'm fine' or sometimes at its laziest day it would resort to 'I don't know' or even worse the mouth will turn its MUTE mode on and the answer would be silence..

The mouth tend to filter every thought that the brain produced, just because it was too scared. The brain usually parties but the mouth hides it.

I just wish there is something out there that can translate my brain.

Because sometimes when my mouth try hard enough, it will came out with a few sentences but it would be nothing like what my brain just thought and the situation will be all screwed up.

Because of the fear, the mouth also lose the ability to ask. The brain will have too many questions unanswered and it will make stupid assumptions until the brain goes cuckoo.

I don't know. I usually end up discontented. Feeling like I held so many things in my head that it could explode anytime. I'll end up hating everyone around me including myself.

So tired.

One day in orthopedics.

Let's go through a case shall we? Why?! I don't know I just despise orthopedics somehow. But it's so influential.

So, my patient was a 6 year-old Malay boy came for an elective surgical operation of his right leg. At the age of 18 months his mother noticed that he limped every time he walked. She also notice that his right leg is longer and bigger than the left. But he still can walk and run. The right leg keeps getting bigger and longer. The inequalities became more obvious as he grow up. But no loss of function still. When they went to see a doctor he was diagnosed to have left leg hypertrophy. He was suggested for surgery.

The hypertrophy was secondary to neurofibromatosis, type 1. He has multiple cafe-au-lait around his body. On further history his mother also has neurofibromatosis because she has multiple fibromas around her body (NF is autosomal dominant). He has a pelxiform type of neurofibroma.



This is how it looks like.
See. It is longer and bigger.
Apparent length difference : 5 cm
True length difference : 3.5 cm
The discrepancy was only below knee.
Femur not affected.






There were some discolorations at the posterior part.
I'm not sure if this is cafe-au-lait.
But I didn't take any pictures of other cafe-au-lait at his abdomen.














The x-ray of both lower leg.
The right tibia was also bigger and longer.












This was during the surgery.
The surgeon inserted two 8-plate at the right proximal tibia to arrest the bone growth.
An epiphysiodesis.
For right tibia shortening because discrepancy more than 3 cm.














This was after the plate insertion was done.
See, the plate was put from epiphysis to metaphysis.
We must avoid physis injury because he's a growing child.
The plates are temporary.











Anyway, I presented the case to Mr. Shuk afterward but I was so bad that I don't desrerve his signature. Oh yeah.

Seeing is believing?

People are so naive aren't they. That includes me. It's even disturbing sometimes how superficial human can be. So easy to manipulate, so easy to be manipulated.

What you see is not always the truth. We assume, that's the easy way. Well that's the only way. No one can read minds. That's why people always say things like 'She looks like a nice person'. Huh.

They say the eyes can only see what the mind can see. Something like that. We only believe things that are in front of us. If I hide a fact about myself, others might even think that it doesn't even exist. It's so easy. For all you know I can even have an entirely different life out there.

I guess that is why people keep secrets. Not telling is almost as equal as non existent. People do all sorts of weird stuff in this world and they kept it a secret and the world will also think that there are no such things. Everybody wins.

But a well kept secret is better than a partial truth. People are scared of things they don't understand. Fear of the unknown. However that's an entirely different thing.

The choice is yours.

Life is full of choices. Most of the times life sucks because of our own decision. From what I know there's two ways to live a life.

The easy way or The right way.

But both will give you the same result.

Someone might think it would be wise to the live life the easy way. Most of the time I will opt for the easy way, easy means fast. But easy can also mean wrong. Most of the time the easy way is the one lazy people chose. Easy example would be like cutting a long queue. Its easy, fast and you'll get just what you want. But you'll get other people angry too and just imagine if everyone did the same thing. It'll be chaotic and rules exist for a reason.

The right way usually chose only by the righteous. I usually chose this when it won't cost me too much trouble or I'm simply in a good mood. The good way will also get you to the things you want, maybe a littler slower but it'll clear your conscience and everyone will be happy.

I always thought that the easy way would be like using the expressway, its fast but you'll have to pay but the right way will be like using the daily driveway slow but you'll get there eventually.

It the end, the choice is always yours but it's just that the end doesn't justify the means. Its pretty boring. I don't know just something to ponder.

Benjamin Button in reverse.

Last few weeks I went to an old folks home. I had the chance to talk to some of them and they were all very cheerful. Most of them are in their 70's. Playing my role, I took some pictures and immediately showed it to them and to my surprise they were very excited and their reactions was just like the reaction of my three year old cousin.

It reminds me, someone once said. Old age is the second childhood.

This fact has been stuck in my head since then and I still haven't been proven wrong. The more I think about it, the more alike they become.

When incontinence comes, we start wearing diapers.
Wheelchair is the golden age version of walker and stroller.
When we can't swallow, we back to drink milk maybe not from a bottle but feeding tube.
And need to be fed every few hours.
We need 24-hours surveillance, because we can't just take care of ourselves.
Some even back to sleep in a cot, maybe not as colorful as before but still serves the purpose.
We lost our articulation.
People don't take you seriously anymore.
Little things amuse you.
People are easily amaze when you accomplish something. Because we are back to the (re)learning phase, but not as smart.

The only difference is that babies are cuter.

Have any?

What drives you to get up in the morning? You know apart from Subuh prayer and daily responsibilities. Have you found your purpose of life? People have been telling me to work like you'll live another thousand years and pray like you'll die tomorrow. I know our 'ultimate' purpose of life. For all I know I could die in the next hour. But, I think haven't find my own purpose of life. You know most of the days I just live, because there's not much left to do anyway.

Most people might say they live for their loved ones. For their spouses and children but rarely people live for their parents. Anyway, I was at the clinic today and I never met a guy who was so happy to know that his two-month-old child has just gained 900 grams body weight in a month. Some might say they live for their dreams, passion and all. I don't know, I always heard all this from movies and dramas from around the world. Few of us really live for God. Most of us want to, but a very few people will.

But I think a whole lot of us didn't have any purpose at all. They just follow what comes in front of them and keep on living. Don't you think?

or maybe it's just me.

I also think it's a good thing to have dreams. I don't know. I just realize it actually. However, by just dreaming doesn't mean we'll get it but it is so much better than not to dream at all.

Oh well. Having all these purposes and goals and dreams is just to keep ourselves occupied with life. No matter how high or how low our life have been, its gonna end anyway. Soon. And we can't never do anything about it. fuh.

Money Honey

Take a piece of paper and print a face of an old guy on it - there you go, you got the most powerful piece of paper in the world, or also known as money.

First, everyone needs it. Like really need it. I mean, our whole life is pretty much about money anyway. See, when we grow up we need to go to school, collect as much as A's that you can and go to the university take the toughest course and maintain your grade there too. So that we can get a job that pay a lot money, then work for half of your life just to buy food, save for the old days. and if we live long enough we can retire and spend it for medical expenses or if not maybe die while working.

I love money and who doesn't? You know some people say money is not important, it can't buy certain things you know like love. I know that. But then with money, there is one less problem to be worried with. Both rich and poor has problems right? So it's better be rich and has problems.

About love, I don't know, there are lot of rich people experience love too and not all poor people are happily in love. So, it is just a matter of luck. Oh and my mummy always has this theory, rich people are mostly good looking. You know why, because when the guy is rich he can get beautiful girls and so their offspring would turned out kinda pretty too.

The thing about money is that it is evil. People do all sorts of thing for money. Apart from everyone needs it, everyone also wants it. And it will never be enough. But the truth is money always made its way through worse because if not how can a rubber tapper supports a family of seven with income of rm500 per month. Of course the rubber tapper would say it's not enough but students who get more than rm5000 scholarship every six months also said their money is not enough. :D

p/s - In a very paranoid mood, I'm going crazy. -.-" Oh, I passed my exams!!
- pic - duit rm50 yg penuh dgn sellotape, utk jadi bentuk love. :)

Bitter

Last week was revision week. It was depressing and lonely. There's nothing much to do rather than study. Except that everything else feels much more compelling than study. So I kinda stare at my laptop most of the times. There was one time the electricity was out and I got really freaked out, luckily we were going to the ward so when we got back everything was fine.

I don't talk. The two people I wanted to talk to were kinda busy with their own life.

So.I fed my restaurant city's employees every 4-6 hrs, which is more than I fed myself, the food here sucks.

I watched tonnes of youtube videos. I love the wongfu productions - they are awesome. Community Channel - She's hillarouos. There's this Gavin Hoey guy, is pretty awesome too, he teaches about photoshop and photography, very basic things but I kinda like him.

The website the oatmeal, is kinda fun too. It suppose to be funny and annoying and rude at the same time. But I enjoyed it. I love his post about the angler fish. haha. Awesome.

I logged in to deviantart everyday. Post at forums and admiring other peoples arts and obsessing about my pageviews everyday.

I read one piece until chapter 60 but then I got bored, because the page load was so slow.

I watched Grey's anatomy for how many millions times. I don't know.

My relationship turns one and a half year last week. That's pretty cool.

I went to watch K.A.P.O.W.W Atoi the Ajaib Boy! Yeah. People don't believe me.

I listened to the same playlist over and over again. So I got bored easily, I ended up downloading few songs everyday. Ingrid Michealson's new songs are kinda awesome. David Choi music's melts my heart.

Now, it over. Holidays begin~! I don't know about my exams. I won't be surprise if I failed, because it's Internal Medicine. Plus I still get to go to fourth year next week.

**pic-first wedding photography,tag along musran

Everybody, eventually

If you were given a choice, how long would you want to live? A split second answer might be forever. But if you think closely you might don't want it.

Everyone is afraid of death. People use all of their might to keep on living, even though their life might be as suck as hell. Maybe not literally. But why are we afraid of it. In my religious belief I have solid reasons why to be afraid. But others, I don't know. Because some of them believe that when we die we will all go straight to heaven, if that's the case why got scared? Well, I think because we don't what will happen after we die and you have to go through it alone. Nobody has live through it and tell the stories to others.

Being immortal sounds fun. Just because you won't die. But then in all of the fictions they all can't die but also remain young. You know like all those pretty vampires. Maybe that's okay. Still, you'll get pretty lonely and maybe a little bored. But if we are immortal and turn old, I don't think anyone would want that. Could you imagine how ugly you'll look if you are 1000 years old, I'll be like come on kill me already.

So, if you got the chance to choose the age you'll die, what will it be?

At the age of 40 they said life has just begun. 50, hmm, maybe you thought you haven't live enough. At 60 usually when all the diseases starts coming in. Well, maybe 60. Because at 70 you'll be kinda too old to do much. I wouldn't want to live until I'm all sick and bedridden, poop on diapers and all. Because that's pretty much not a life anymore.

But the scariest thing about death is that it come unannounced. It could be anytime, anywhere and anyone. You know, even the most powerful leader in the world who are being protected 24/7 can simply die of choking a fish bone, for example. Not so powerful after all isn't it?

They say it's blind

I've been watching a lot of Ellen Degeneres lately, I know she has been married to a girl. Portia De Rossi to be exact but I've never seen they together before until now. You know, when I finally see them together I thought they look really in love and sweet. I mean is it really possible? for you to love someone of the same gender as you.

Would you call it love? You know, as they define it like those classical love of a boy and a girl we grow up watch.

I'm not against it or anything, but I just can stand to accept it. I mean for the Americans. But the thing is, what an American does, the world follows. That's bothersome, especially all those stupid Malaysian kids who would do anything they saw on TV.

I've tried to be okay with it but then too much things come into my mind. It's like two same poles of magnets put together.

Later on, I found out that Adam Lambert is gay too. (I know,kinda late) That disappointing. Even Barney from how I met your mother is gay. uh.

If everyone is gay, especially those talented and good looking ones, who's going to produce the next generation of gay. I know they like to adopt children from a heterosexual couple or a surrogate mother or a girl who got knocked up and sane enough not to throw it away in the dumpsters like a baby is a complementary gift of bad relationship.


I don't know maybe that's why they say love is blind.

6,814,400,000 minus 1

I most certainly think that my life is so important. Sometimes, even stepping on a cat poop can be a big deal to me. But so does everyone else. You know there's like 6.8 billion people in this world and I bet each of them thought so too.

And it's kinda ridiculous to say one life is superior than others. Its equally important. 6,814,400,000 people minus 1. Does it matter? What if it is you?

So, yeah. If one day my house got bombed and I lost a limb or a millionaire goes bankrupt or a pauper became a millionaire overnight. Each of them must think that its like the most important think that can ever happen to them. But to others it could be just another headlines they read as they pass a newsstand.

I just want to say that, life goes on. No matter how bad it gets(or good). There's nothing like a pause or a fast forward button that could help you get through it. It's not gonna undo itself no matter how hard you wish. Other people wouldn't care as much either, because it's not their life.

Anyway, there it is. I was really dreading to start a new posting and thought of these. :D

Ramming up!

Lets join me to the experience of upgrading my laptop's memory. It was scary as hell, so I kept stalling but actually it took only about 15mins tops to install it. Here's the pictures. Looks like I got nothing else better to do.(apart from having to finish the yearbook. uhhh)


stuffs you need





Yummy. 4gb. One of the awesome birthday presents this year.
Next, I need to get an antivirus and a new hard disk!

The grass is always greener on the other side.

What we have is always never good enough. There's always something else better than it. I mean always.

It always looked good and better when we don't have it. Well. Have you like dream to really want something? You know like an awesome gadgets, the coolest guy in school or a promotion in your career. The thing that we want always has this cool characteristics like very good looking, or 8 megapixels. We start to build our own imagination, about how good will it feels to actually have it.

And then, if someday we do actually got it. It doesn't feels as great as we'd imagine it, well maybe at first, but then other things would show up and we would want that too. The cycle will just starts over again.

Like I said. Never good enough. Or like some would say, "there's always a hotter girl"

I know we are thought to be grateful of what we have because some people might never had the chance. But then we just can't help it.

However, to have these dreams or desires actually make us move forward. You know it creates this passion to get something better, to be better. People will make new things, something more awesome. Next thing you know, there's 10 megapixels.

Well, if not. The world won't change, we'll still wear animal skins as clothes, people don't shave and communicates through smokes or pigeons.

**pic-total randomness. my brother with my little cousin who follows him like a shadow

A little confuse

I'm turning 22 soon. Still halfway through medical school. Live a routine life. Pretty ordinary. All laid out. Its just getting pretty boring.

I wanted to do something out of myself. Something big and important. Make a history or make a difference to the world. Well not really. Just something different than now. Make myself useful. You know, rather than just go to school, eat, weep over sappy movies and then sleep.

If only I could just quit everything right now and go somewhere else. Start from scratch and be someone. Well. That kind of life only works in movies. It's not that simple.

Just sometimes. How I really wish to be a I don't know a famous actress or a successful athlete or conquer the Everest or be the first Angsawanita (haha, there's no such thing) and travel to the moon. What I mean is I want to do something I really love and be really awesome at it.

Not that I'm not grateful with my life right now, but I just not living it to the fullest.

However. Come to think of I still can change the world with my life right now. I mean, it is just really up to me.

I want to write a book. Produce a movie. Be in a band. Create a video game. I want to be aggressive and impulsive. Be a voice of a cartoon character. Join a cosplay. Dance my heart out. Be a painter. Alright I'd better stop. xx

Crumbs of worthless.

I'm awfully bored today and I just want to write something. So just let's talk about me~ wahaha.

First thing people say about me is I don't look my age and their guess would be much much younger than I actually am. Which I'm grateful and sometimes not. The good thing is I look young but because of that people are skeptical of me. I always need to show my license during a roadblock and patients frequently ask my age.

I don't like to socialize unnecessarily. Only do when I really need to. But I still love human company though.

My whole life I've always been average never the best. Always kinda good but not good enough. Be it sports, studies or looks.

I'm great in masking my feelings. I just don't like people to bother. But the thing is I just don't know how to express it.

I'm highly dependent to my laptop. Would literally die of boredom without it. I love computers. I love internet. I think that we could learn everything from the internet and they are zillions of talented people we can find out there.

Really wish for a powerful laptop and super-fast internet.

I love photoshop too. But still can't really be awesome with it. Would love to learn about all those adobe softwares and others.

I love my D60 but I'm not sure about photography because it pisses me of most of the time. Still can't get a hold of it and it costs too much.

My spelling sucks. Thank goodness for those red underline that appeared every time I spelled wrong. If only they can correct grammar too.

I used to hate pink very much. But now I really don't know anymore.

I grew up with video games, books and a lot of TVs. My dad raised me halfway like a boy. He thought me all about football, brought me to his rugby practices, introduce me the computers since the age of four and bought me lots of books. But that was all when he was once.

I skipped schools, shoplifts and get into fights but that was like years ago.

Lazy is my second nature, procrastination is my hobby.

I always thought most people are lame because I thought I'm cool. haha. No I just really hate pretentious people. Which almost everyone is, including me.

I love sneakers but I love heels too. That is bothersome because there's too much to want. But my brother would really brings out my shopping desires.

Currently had an massive infatuation over Jang Geun Suk :D but I love my buney dearly.

Too much unnecessary information. Really manage to kill the time. Oh2. Harini dapat 'mangkuk' dari Mr. Jun. haha.

When he's from venus and I'm from mars

Or in other word he is more of a girl than I am. I'm not saying this blindly but you'll see why.

1. He has more girl best friends than I do. Not comparing to the number of guy best friends that I have (which is none, haha, anti social) but compared to the number of my girl best friends. Yeah. Seriously. It's like part of a deal or something.

2. He spends more time looking at the mirror than I am. Especially with his new hair.

3. He shops a lot. Will always find a reason to buy things. Be it some kind of clothing, camera, sports or computer stuffs. The first thing that he spots at a mall is the SALE sign. But good thing about it he always got a good buy. At a very good price. But when he had an eye for one thing, he won't stop talking about it until he gets it.

4. He cares and he thinks. Which are the things that I don't really like to bother. He thinks too much sometimes it makes him really miserable.

5. He is always the one who do the talking, always initiates 'the talk' while I ran away from it.

6. He's deep and complicated and I'm superficial.

7. He notice little things about people while I'm like Oh really?

8. He's like very articulate and neat, but I'm a little all over the place. uh.

9. He's the drama queen. Haha. No he is just more sensitive. He does things that are out of your minds when he is emotional while I usually just sit and act like nothing happen

hmm. could have done better.

But then, he's a guy alright, he forgets and can be as ignorant as any other guys too. and yeah, I sounded kinda lousy.

Oh well. I guess maybe when everyone came to earth they just.. evolved. :D

White coat strollers

Medicine is awesome. That's what I think. I mean all the stuff that we have been studying during the pre-clinical years actually do come true. They do, just like in the textbook. So, we will be kinda get excited with stuff that others think is nothing or completely ridiculous. Talk medical jargon as daily basis. Joke about something only few people will understand and finds it funny.


When we are in the ward all we need to do is clerking and sometimes physical examinations. Its fun actually, it's like a guessing game. Try to diagnose a disease by asking just the right questions. However, we are dealing with people, to do that I think we need an air of superiority around us. Just a little, not until its demeaning. Just enough so people will actually response and obey you because they are sick so sometime they are not in the mood to talk. Which I find most of the final years students have and some of the third year students. But I don't or maybe yet to discover.

You know, to us. Even poking a finger into someone's anus can be intriguing.

In medical world, you put everything into short forms. New posting, new short forms. Say, now I'm in surgical posting, I learned - ESWL, IVU, IO, SIRS, CVP, CBD, SPC and so much more. Even the most ridiculous meaning like E/A - electively admitted or TTO kot - to transfer out. Some short forms might means different to a layman, for example to my sister GBS is geng bas sekolah but to us its Gullian-Barre syndrome. PR can means public relation but it also means per rectal.

Being called stupid is like a routine.

Being young and brilliant is basically nothing. But the older you are the cooler. Because medicine is measured by experience and skills. The longer you practice means that you've seen more. Because sometimes two patients with the same disease can come with a whole different presentation. Or sometimes in different severity.

What's common is common. It's true I guess. That's why patient with a rare disease can be a celebrity among us. :D

okachan

This is my mummy. Or I called her ibu. I tell u, she's a lady. She can cook well, sew and knit amazingly, a thoughtful hostess and very well mannered. Well, that actually compared to me. I don't know what happen, but all those genes seem to just skipped me. Uhh. I'm nothing like her. Physically there might be some resemblances but not more than that I think.

But apart from that she's also very strong. Given the things she has gone through. I know she really love and care about us. Very protective. She spoils us but not materialistically. I admit. I'm very dependent to her. You know, in doing adult stuff, like going to the bank, phone bills, renewing license and all.

I must tell you, she was an excellent athlete. Up to the state level. Lumba Lari. huu. Had tons of medals and trophies. But, up until now, she seems to be good in every sports she involved. Now, at office level bowling. And already had lines of trophies.

Letting her down is my biggest fear. I tried to live my life up to her wishes though sometimes I disappoint her. But most of the times if I were to do something she wouldn't approve I'll usually don't tell her or simply lied. Uh. If only she knew. When I believe what you don't know won't hurt you. I know. That's wrong.

Recently, I did disappoint her. Even made her cried. I would blame the circumstances. And of course myself. But. At that everything didn't turned out well. And she said one time when she really needs me, I let her down. I didn't mean to, but the situation looks like I did. But we are fine after that. Hopefully.

My little sister is her little obsession, but then when she went to boarding school my mum seems to lost her way.

She's the best. Always have my best wishes for her. And I might not say this out loud to her. But, I love her. :)

Shiny

New isn't always great
Old isn't always wise
But all we can do is keep moving foward
So, yeah. Happy New Year~

The swans say hi~
Pic by nawfal. Dipakse suh mention nih.