Setahun Jagung

Hati. Perasaan. dan Harapan.
Pretty and Ugly truth.
Sweet but sometimes bitter
It's been one year. A pretty one.
and hopefully more to come.
I don't know.
My faith fluctuates sometimes.
Though most of the time I can't be more confident about it.
What the hell
But yeay~ :D

Jiwa dan Perasaan.

Feelings don't lie. Yes you can hide it, mask it all you want but in the end the feelings is still there. You can't be happy just because you want to be happy. The feelings is still there even if you don't want it to be there. Say, you really don't want to be angry to someone but then if that person did the exact thing that make you really angry. Oh dear, that just can't be helped.

Even a teeny tiny bit of feelings. It's there. I find it really disturbing. wahh~

Memang xboleh tipu. It's just up to you to accept it or deny it. :D

Sementara menunggu turn bedside teaching with Dr. Fadzil~

Young before old

not him ok
I know a man. An old man actually. When I was little, he was rich, has multiple wive plus had some affairs too. I know because I heard about it even saw it once. Didn't know what I saw then but now I do. Uh. Living the life he won't be so proud of now. Anyway. At that time he was on top of the world, rich and handsome. Had beautiful children who acted just like him, well not all of them.

But then things started to turn around. Bussiness collapse and when you're poor girls left you. Luckily one stay, as usual the first wife. I guess. Live up with his pension. Whiled he stayed home. He eventually changed. He became this guy who wears white robe, went to the mosque for every prayers. One that impress me is that he even wrote a book. About behavioural problems, how to live life the way prophet Muhammad SAW did. How to do it in our time. Ironic. Anyway. It doesn't matter who he is, what matter is what he wrote.

So, it got me thinking. Can we live our life recklessly when we are young, then when we are old just repent. Just repent and everything will be fine. It's not fair. Well, in this case I think he's just lucky. He got to live up to this age and realized what a jerk he was.

I think because when we are old. We have gone through all the big milestones of life that most young people look foward to. You know, like finishing studies, have a career, getting married, have children and granchildren or even contract a disease. Then, what's left is the end of your life. Maybe at that time only we'll think. All that is left to do is surrendering ourselves to God.

That we should have done as early as we can. Which I know very hard and I wish to be as lucky as him.

p/s: uh. sorry bad photoshop.

Pretty Ugly

I love good looking people. You name it pretty, beautiful, handsome or dashing I just love them all. In fact. Everyone does. I mean they are just so nice to look at and everyone would like to be one. They even get special treatment from others. I've seen it a lot. I do that too sometimes. Even in the ward cute babies get more attention than the others.

Some people can even use looks to earn money. That's just so nice.

However. When we are in the sea of strangers and we are lost. Or when we are performing on a stage in front of a big crowd. Or when we are in a deepest trouble. Or when we are so sad. We don't look for the prettiest people in town or the best looking guy in school. We'll look for the familiar face. Faces of someone who is close and important to you. We won't care if they are ugly or pretty. Even a Miss Universe can't beat that.

Well, unless the miss universe is someone important to you la kan. :D

Double Dose

Don't you think its selfish to call yourself unselfish? Come to think of it, everyone is selfish. Things that we do for others usually in a way also has a benefit to ourselves too. No matter how noble it seems there's always something behind it that has some personal profit on us. Like rich people gave donation, as a result they will get recognition for being generous. A guy helped an elderly to cross a road, he'll get self-satisfaction. It's a good thing but you know the guy won't help the elderly in the first place if he's gonna hate himself afterwards. Sometimes we just do good things just to please others so that we won't look bad or sometimes we just do good things so that in the future people will do the same to you too. Don't you think? Ish. I just hate that when people claim how unselfish they were, how they've done this and that sincerely just to help others. Then why would you tell others about it, just so that people will adore you? aih. You can tell it all you want to others but just don't call yourself unselfish.

Enough about that.

Anyway, how do you expect people to listen to you if you don't listen to others? People talked a lot. I mean a lot. And they expect others to listen. Listen and understand and share the same emotions as what they are having. But then when others talked they're are just like, 'Oh really?' and that's all. Unless it's some controversial issues or some stupid jokes. I know it's tiring, especially listening to others problems but can't you just listen. Don't do other stuff or changed the topic and don't undermine or ridicule what they had said. It hurts when people just said "ala, xde pape tuh" or just laughed it away. It's hard for some people to confide and it usually something very important for them. Just listen and try to understand even though if its really hard to accept.

Well, its not entirely true but you know it happens.

**the pic - me brother with his crazy friends. huu. xbes skolah pn lagi dorg mih. saje buang mase edit. anyway i just love the outcome. plus got nothing to do with this post pn**

Crying shame

Everyone has been in a fight before. Indeed everyone fights. children. adults. siblings. parents. couples. friends. politicians. People fight for many reasons but the thing with fight is both party will think that they are one who are right.

Siblings rivalry is common. But they don't usually last long especially when you are still young. But the urge to fight usually can't be helped and most of the time for ridiculous reasons, like why his piece of cake is bigger or I'm just better in everything.

Boys fight with violence. Well they are suppose to. Its just who they are.

Schoolgirls fight with words, lots and lots of words and maybe sometimes with some hair pulling episodes.

Couples fight for emotions. Complicated emotions.

Parents usually fight between responsibilities and personal needs.

Fight in friendships usually destructive. I don't know, in my experience. They don't usually turned out to be the same again. It feels awkward to act like before.

Politicians? they throw chairs. Huu. Well they fight behind the name of professionalism.

But fights don't usually solve anything. Fights will only feed your anger. Confrontation maybe. In a right way la. Ah. Gle malas nak berfikir dan menaip. But it sure is a shame when a bunch of full grown guys acted like schoolgirls. Talking and blaming behind people back. Well, grow some balls lah while you are at it. wahaha. selamat tinggal~ ugh.

Roarrr!

This is a pointless post. I just had the urge to write so I have to.

Oh dear clinical years. How many types of people you can meet. It made me question myself why do I do medicine. I don't even like people. I don't know the art of sucking up either. But these people they sure are interesting. How I long for those preclincal years.

Alright. Here's how I see things in the hospital. I always think it as a jungle. A very thick jungle. You sometimes can even see a food chain. Of course we medical students are the lowest in it. The most naive and vulnerable. This food chain I would say is dominated by Lions. Kings of the jungle who are the oldest lion that would be the Consultant and Speacialist. The most wise. Next would be the young adult lions and teenage lions. Well those are the Medical Officers and the House Officers. These busy bees do all the hardwork but the older they are the more they tend to forget how they used to be young. Then come us, the Cubs. The most eager. Who always crave for attention. Oh dear. These lions there sure are wise but they are also fierce, arrogant and they really like to roar. However they will always look dashing when they are perfoming surgeries, procedures and all while others wacthing in awe. There is maybe a handful of supernice Lions in the jungle but we must not forget the evil ones too. They are just unpredictable and unreasonably demeaning. huh.

Next, come the Deers. They usually provide for the Lions. That would be the nurses and other health staffs. They are very fast and efficient. They even sometimes don't really like the cubs because they know what will we grow up into.

Then come the plants. They are green and almost unappreciated. We sometimes forget how important they are. They clean all the mess those Lions and Deers had done. What will happen to the jungle without those plants. Well meet the Radicare people.

However I'm having trouble classifying the patients. Well. Maybe we can considered them as other species of animals because they are all sorts of people that came with all sorts of problems to seek advise from the Lions.

Whoa. That's a long crappy thing I just wrote. Huu. Kate obses. Bangun n tidur pun ingat logbook. :D


Here is one of the kings in action. heh. Cool eh?

Hello World

Sometimes we think that we own the world. It's so familiar, it's so predictable. But you can't own the world even my world is totally different from yours. Maybe you can own your world but sometimes even our own world seems out of hand.

I mean, today could be the saddest day of my life but who knows it could be the happiest day of someone else who just had the same experience as me. Be it a walk in the park or receiving a text message.

I hate changes. It makes me feel not in control. Changes are sometimes a problem. Say, hmm.. If you lost someone or if a family splits things can never be the same again. The world that was so familiar before are now different. How your routine life will change. If before there are five people in the family and now there are four. Its sounds like a no big different but actually its a tremendous lost. At these times we'll only realize those small parts that one particular person did to our life. Okay, maybe losing someone is too big of a change. But let's say we go to class or office everyday with a car, the trip was routine and almost forgettable. but if suddenly on one fine day one of the tires punctured - that would be a problem and we have to deal with it.

Changes remind us that we are not always in control with our life.

I was in a labour room one day, you know its timeless in there. Those babies they come out anytime they like. It was 3 a.m. at that time. It was hectic, people running around with their works, you could see a few worried and sleepy husbands here and there and if you enter one of the room you could hear doctors and nurses cheering to help the labour process. Macam pasar borong. Anyway, I was cold, tired and sleepy. So I went outside for a while. It took me almost by surprise. The night was warm, silent and serene. The sky was very pretty with stars everywhere and you could almost feel people are sleeping out there. Completely different from where I've been 30 seconds ago. I don't know, at that time I felt so small and the world is so big. :D

*pic - balqis again~ my favorite little person

The villain in you

I wonder does our childhood shape who we are today. I mean, we have seen all these in the movies and TV series. A child with a horrible childhood usually turned out to be the bad guy. You know, we have Sylar from Heroes or Voldemort from Harry Potter. They always give reasons why the villains are villains.

My childhood wasn't all that great. Maybe it does shaped who am I today. A little. Back then, when we have problems at home I always pretend nothing happened, I'll just go to school and act that everything is fine even though horrible things happened just before I go to school. But then, at that time I was little and I can ignore them because there's nothing else I can do. Just hope and pray it will solve itself. And to me it does solve itself, but you just have to bear with it. However. I got carried away. The way I face problems today never changed. Ignoring and hoping always the way to go.

I don't know. Maybe it does shape you. It taught you how the way you see things. The way you think because when you were a child everything is a first. Maybe because of repeated exposure. You know, just like Pavlov's dog theory. Maybe it all accounts as experiences. The way a rich kid act can be different from a poor kid just because their perceptions towards the same situation is different.

Maybe to some their childhood doesn't really affect who they are today. Or maybe they just don't realize it or maybe the effects wasn't that significant because it doesn't make them villains today. So we think. :D

*pic - humaira, my three year old cousin. huu. abes sume cousin kne promote. gadis gedix bersuare menggoda. wahaha. xcaye? met her as a guy. tapi sgt comey n talks too much.

Emosi Comot

It's a mess alright. Emotions that is. It impairs our judgment. Why do we need it? They say it makes us human. I say it makes us miserable. People don't usually think straight when they are emotional. It makes us almost delusional sometimes. How small things can be ridiculously big when emotions stepped in. How simple can be complicated. How straight can be crooked.

Happy. Sad. Love. Hate. Anger. Jealousy. Grateful. Greed.

I can only think most of the negative ones. Do we experience emotion all the times? I don't know. Because right now I don't know what kind of feelings I'm having. But just because I can't name one doesn't mean it's not there. Weird things is. We always said feelings came from the heart. Truth is it's from brain. The hippocampal lobe to be exact. Then we can say emotions are merely neurons firings here and there plus some hormones, just like anything else.

We all have seen how emotion affects us. It affects our decisions. Same situation can lead to different decision when different emotions involve. kan2? I mean the way we think is different when we are angry than when we are happy. But at both times we will think we are damn right.

Apekah poin saye menulis ini? Ntah lah.

I think I'm just amaze by their influence. That's all. Even though it's messy I still think it's great. Spice up our life because without it we are just like robot. Only do things that we are suppose to.


**The pic - That was Balqis. My 2 year old cousin. Seorang gadis blur. Baru pas makan roti canai~

sepi

It has been a while. busy? maybe. not really. just lazy. Anyway, I want to introduce to you a new category~ It is called Pretty Ordinary. This is where I'll put up my favorite pics. It is what I believe in photography, anything can be pretty. Even the most ordinary, not the settings, not the people but just as it is.



Taken by choky2

This is Afif. My 4 year old cousin. He was following my brother like a shadow, just because my brother has a camera with him. He was begging for his picture to be taken, begging to play with it and all. Look at those desperate eyes. :D

uh-oh

Tell me. Is there anyone out there that haven't done anything wrong. Not a single thing. Live closely by the laws. Whatever laws out there. Is there? Hmmm. I don't know. Not if you are a human.

Doing something wrong, it also means breaking a law, don't you think? Maybe indirectly or maybe just some unwritten law or maybe just something that your mother ask you not to do but somehow we know it is wrong. bad.. So, why do we do it? Is it fun? Well. Sometimes. Depends. Cutting class can be fun. Speeding is also fun. Even stealing or lying can be fun. It's the thrills. Especially, when you didn't get caught after that.

And sometimes. For some sane people or after we think about it or maybe after doing it for the first time or when you do something really bad. It will also come with guilt. Yeah. The guilt. It makes you think that you won't do it again. Sometimes it works but sometimes it just doesn't. When it doesn't work anymore, you'll do it again and again until it doesn't feel wrong anymore. Now that is real bad.

Anyway, my point today is. If you confided to someone about a wrong thing that you've done and suddenly that person said 'hey, I've done that too'. How would you feel? I bet most of us will feel relieve. It makes us think maybe it is not so bad after all.

Well then. People said misery loves company. But now, we can also say guilt, crime, evil or whatever it is also loves company. Uh oh :D

hello~

Meet my new laptop. It's pink and it's pretty. Though nothing much but I love it~ Pic by my lobsterman with our new D60. :D

This year hasn't been a good year for me. Technology wise. I tought I can get back on track with my blogging but then my modem pulak rosak due to over excitement because holding too much secrets. what the hell.

I've always wanted to tell the whole stories about my holidays. How I manage to watch seven movies in five weeks even the one I would never expect myself watch it, how I cook tasteless meals, how I spend splendid times with my families, how I acquire a uniform to attend weddings, some serious shopping after raiding almost all shopping malls in one day, the wine of the forbidden island (oh, hush) ;) and soo much more. Tapi.. Rasenye sume tu dah basi. So lets get moving. But first, some of my favourite pics~



the eyes were too big but the amount of money was too little

Well. people. have you met someone or maybe you are one of them, the kind of people who always get what they want and won't be happy unless it is exactly the way they want it. Well. I have. A lot of them. But so what. The good thing about them is that they will usually try very hard to get what they want. And there are two kinds of them. One who only enjoys the chase and the work and not so much about the product. The other one is the one who really treasures the product or the outcome of their effort. These people they have aims and visions, even on petty stuffs and they really know what they want and once they realized it they wont stop with any means possible until they achieved it. They can get a little annoying when they didn't get it and won't stop whining until they get another chance to try. Merely describing.

What if, the thing you are trying to have is wrong?
What if, you are just one of the product of someone who loves to chase? Hmm.. Drama.

Well. me? I'm neither. I do get what I want. Sometimes. But usually it takes a very long time. Because what I usually do is, I wish and I wait. So screwed. Or sometimes I did it in my own way which some people don't understand. But hey, it worked and I'm grateful. or I'm just lazy. :D

Till we meet again~!! tak tau la bile.

Hibernation

won't be posting anything for a long time. kot. everything around me seems to be broken. huhu.

Oh well. Happy Holidays~!

Brain Freeze!

When there are too much to study in too little time plus draining spirit. So here come this. When I thought it would lift my spirit a little. I got more scared adelah.

Anyway, wishing everyone the ultimate good luck I could give~ :D

tag by akakkk~

Anda rasa anda hot?

hmm. mestilah. uhh. panas~


Upload gambar kegemaran anda.





Kenapa anda suka gambar ini?

First guess which one is me. hahah. gamba kegemaran sbb that's me and my favorite cousin. and kami sgt comel. baju same and all. i was like 8 mnths. hee. everytime tgk gamba nih sgt gembira.

Bila kali terakhir makan pizza?

tak igt. tapi dgn kanak2 pbl~

Apa yang anda buat selain menyelesaikan tag ini?

blaja, reply msg and ym skali sementare tunggu nak upload gamba. huu. multitasking. uh. internet kure2

Tag 7 orang :

xnk bole x?

Yes, no, maybe, I don't know

Principles. Do you have one? I bet you do. We all do. Not just one but a whole lot. Maybe we just don't realize it. yet. What is it anyway? I think it's kinda like a rule that you made for yourself and willingly wants to abide to it. Well you know like when people said..

I don't drink in a plastic cup or I don't eat from stalls by the street. It can a simple as that or it can be on bigger issues like I won't do drugs or no sex until marriage. I really having a hard time coming out with examples, but yeah.

I don't think what the principle is that matters but sticking to it is more important

People have reasons for their own principles. A real good one usually. Well depends on their reasoning too sometimes. When people start to give reason to things that they really want, even wrong things can sound right. When you put your words in a really proper way you actually can get want just by tweaking the truth a little. I really suck at that area. I don't know how to manipulate and when I tried I tend to be transparent. Yeah. I digress. I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about principles right now, because I have a serious problem with that.

People said, rules are meant to be broken. Well, maybe. But how bout principles. I don't know about you, but I broke mine all the time. Ugh. I really hate myself for that. You see I just can't let people down. I mean. When my principle says I don't want to do this because it's wrong or because I just don't like it but when someone ask me to, I tend to follow it. Blindly. Just like that. I am so easy to be influenced. I absorbed it like a sponge. I am afraid to say no, because I am afraid of what people will think of me and that's just stupid because I believe my principles are good. You know, when you stand up on your principle people tend to say ' ee.. baik nye' and I think that comes with a subtle smirk (well that's what I usually do). Maybe I just made that up in my mind. Because I know I am not that good. But I want to be good. Hahaha. That just sound really corny and who cares what people think when you are doing the right thing. Right?

But I hate people with too much principles. because I think they are no fun and they not that good anyway talk too many and do so little. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not that strong.

I don't even know if anyone will understand what I'm trying to say. :D

Belajar buat saya lapar

Revision week is when everything I've been learning for the past 8 weeks is finally coming into sense. Seriously and I can't help relating everything I've had studied to a real life situation.

Say.. Right now. I'm typing - it's a ballistic movement, function of spinocerebellum, cerebrocerebellum in planning sequential movement and basal ganglia in congnitive control of muscle, controlling timing and intensity of movement. At the same I'm producing word that will be Wernicke's area kot. Don't get me started on visual pathway, posture reflex, ascending and descending tract and much much more. So many things need to happen just for me to sit and type correctly.

Hee. Xtau lah klu salah. One more day to go. Ahh~ Drugs oh Drugs

The time is now.

There are too many great things in this world, like families, health, friends, time and wealth. These things have done miraculous wonders in our life but human seldom notice this because they have get too comfortable with it and think it's gonna last forever. But in the end, these great things share the same irony. We only missed them when they are gone.

So you know what I think we should do in return? Appreciate.

Now. Now. Here comes another human flaw. Procrastination. We love the word later don't we? Because we think there's always plenty of time but the truth is these things go when we least expect it. And when the time has come, there's no point in reminiscing or regretting and thinking I should have done this and that just to clear your guilty conscience. Seriously it's pointless and a waste of time. We should only focus more of our attention in what we still have.

Some say health is like an invincible crown, we only notice it when it's gone. It's true isn't it. Even a small cut at a finger can make your life little less comfortable.

Friends come and goes, but what makes we think that the new one will always have the same quality our former friends.

As I said there are too many great things in this world. If we observe keen enough we will surely see. If we are smart enough we will realize that the time to appreciate is now and always start small. Maybe we can start by saying thank you. Believe me those words can do great wonders too. :D

Oh. This post was actually meant for my late grandmum. Memories keep rushing back and I do have few regrets but I think I did pretty well during our last meeting. So, al-fatihah to nani.

A year wiser~

Uhh. I'm twenty one already. So much to do. So much to accomplish. So much to rectify. I'm officially an adult. yeah. really. Like there's much difference. Just little more wrinkles and little less oocytes.

Oh. Thanks everyone. I love you all so much~! :D

Waterfall~ sejukk..

Went to Panching last weekend. Unplanned. No, they have been planning tp ktorng kanak2 study grup jibah datang menyebok. Bday fafa~






Walaupun salu kutuk kuantan, but have to admit the nature is kinda cool. Pics were taken with my phone, who at the of the trip the fell into the water. wahaha. nasib baik xrosak. uhh.

Cube try test

Trying is a good thing, because you'll never lose but you'll always learn. Maybe in a certain situation trying can be a harm but still, you learn. But mostly in our daily life situation trying is essential. You don't have to be a genius to figure the possible outcomes of trying - either you succeed or you fail.

Though I hate trying because most of the time I was scared and sometimes just lazy, but I don't know why.

There was a saying - If you don't ask, the answer is always no.
It means that everything is worth a try, the worse that could happen is rejection though you will definitely get it if you didn't try at the first place. See, what is there to lose.

There was another saying, it means something like the result is not that important but the effort is what that is count. Now. This is a bit complicated and hard to accept, but after a much thought it is true after all.

Effort and outcome. Everyone would love to have the best possible outcome there is out there. But, the question is, have you tried your very best to deserve it? My answer would always be no. huu. As far as I remembered, never in my life I can say that I've tried my best. I do make an effort, but just enough for me to settle in a safe place. I think that's why I never be the best in whatever I do, I can be quite good or almost great and suck most of the time but never the best.

If I tried as much as lifting a finger I shouldn't be expecting a wonderful result woudn't I? but then, it is far better than not trying at all. :D

Order, order

I'm miles away from great, let alone perfect. I'm no different from the people who sat next to you, say, in a train station. But I have this one habit that always makes me forget the existence of mirror. I love to judge people. Badly.

You see, I love beautiful things but everyone does. But who am I to say that guy is ugly though he's filthy rich, her nose is crooked or her taste of fashion is so bad that makes me wonder is she color blind? But looks never matters. Maybe on first impression or beautiful people sometimes get special treatment because human just can't help it. But I always think that there is nothing more soothing or calming to see a familiar face when you are in a deepest trouble. At that time it doesn't matter how ugly the person is because there are far more important things in this world than that.

Oh. But not just looks. Sometimes I judged based on people's achievement in their studies especially in my course where there are so many hardworking people. I always have thoughts like these 'are you that stupid, it is such a simple question' or like 'what? you can't even manage to answer that, I thought you study all night'. Gosh. I sounded horrible. And sometimes when I see pious people, I tend to look for their flaws. I don't know why, maybe because of my own insecurity but I always try to convince myself that that person is not that good even though she/he behave and dress in the best manner possible.

Uh, I feel bad. But most of the time I tried my best not to tell others of what I think. Because that will makes me even worse.

I never dream to be a judge, and if ever be I can't never be fair either. wtf. Like I said I'm no better and no offense. :D

Best of both world

In the last couple of weeks I have to find an alternative means of entertainment, so I read novels. Intensely until my eyes are buldging out. Ah. tipu. What I want to say is about my last two novels. I picked the novels through the authors but random titles. I didn't even bother to read the synopsis. It turns out that both of them have almost similar themes. It's about some culture/lifestyle in Christian community.


The first one is about the nuns in the Cistercian convent. They have the strickest rules of all types of convent. Once they enter the place they can't never leave. They lived in silence. Which they believe would give them serenity. The sisters spend their day by saying prayers five times a day. They couldn't talk to each other. They shouldn't even make eye contact, they need to low their gaze at all times. During meal time no sister can seat next to each other consecutively. Any kind of friendship is forbidden and they only eat for needs not pleasure. The only contact they could make is to their leader and least words are used, they communicate through ancient sign languange. Bizarre.



The next on is about the Amish community, or so they call themselves the Plain People and the common people as Englishers. They live in a very conservative way. No phones. No TVs. No electricities unless really needed. They used buggy for transportation, it is a horse drawn vehicle. Least technologies are used as it will tempted them to the outside world. Clothes that they sew for themselves using only pins. Their clothes should not call any attention in color, cut or any other features. Education is not much higher than eighth grade, which is sufficient in Amish lifestlye. Their goal is not stand up in the community but to blend, to be as similar as they can be with each other. The concept of Amish practice are the rejection of pride (Hochmut), high value of humility (Demut) and also submission (Gelassenheit). They speak in Dutch, as their origin is Swiss. Their restrictions are not for suffering, some exceptions are permissible when needed.

What both of them have in common despite being a devoted Christian is that they seclude themselves from the outside world. To be protected from the world's temptations. I don't know why I'm writing this. I just adore their devotions but I don't agree in being extreme. Well, as muslims we believed that we should balance every aspects of our lives. Between the world and the here-after. And I think that's just harder, to get the best of both world.

I only write something trivial and simple about these communities. Wanna know more google up yourself~ Oh, and I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, didn't know any better. They just amaze me. :D

Scibbling away~

I recently noticed that I like to write. Though mostly to myself and most of them are craps. But it helps, sort of, to channel my feelings and it does makes me feels better. It's like talking to someone but you're not being judge.

I write things that would took me a great deal of effort for me to say. If you want to get to know me or want to know what I think of you, just ask me to write to you. I could be a cold monster but I can also give you diabetes for being too sweet. Whichever I want. *Exaggeration alert*

I tend to get emotional when I write. Writing here, I had to pay the price. It fascinates me how people could qoute what I wrote, assume, make conclusion and sometimes give answers to my own dillemmas. Eventhough I only have a handful readers and most of them are my friends(including those anonymous and those people with sophisticated nicknames), it made me realize that words have powers. But words are also permanent. I might delete some things that I've wrote, but once it has made an impression it can never be the same.

Writing and talking are not the same. Atleast I would like to assume that. Yes. Both uses words. When we write we have all the time in the world to think of our next sentence but when we are talking, it is rather more spontaneous. I don't know but I think it depends on the person. Some people could charm others with only a few words but to some people their world could turn into hell once they speak.

But words are interesting. It depends on how people use it. It can be beautiful. It can be extremely hideous. Words are use to describe other words, like in a dictionary. A long sentence and a short sentence can convey the same message but maybe to a different level of understanding.

I'm babbling and I don't care. I just miss my blog so much~! :D

Darn

Mistakes are awful. It's just plain stupid. After a mistake was done, I would have one desperate wish. The wish that I haven't done that one particular action that has led to the particular mistake. Ugh. But mistake makes you learn. I guess. My latest lesson is air sirap and laptop doesn't go along so well.

So, yeah. Laptop rosak~! wahhh. xley nak berblogging atau ape2 yg bekenaan dgn computer. Dapat alasan utk tak update blog~ huhu

Oh no. Baru igt. My latest lesson is not laptop and air sirap but tertinggal beg duit dalam bas maraliner. Wah~ Whatever. It's just stupid to make the same mistake twice.

It never stops

Time. It's something that is not there but yet we can feel the presence explicitly. Yeah. Maybe time is just another interface that used by human to describes things just like another word. But somehow I think it is far more complex than anyone could ever think. It's not merely what number the fingers of a clock is pointing. It can represent a lifetime, a century, hopes, memories, zenith of a dynasty or can simply be divided into three.

Yes, three. The past, the present and the future. But come to think of it how could you possibly divide it. There's no exact line between those three but yet it's there. People say "I live in the moment". Can you? Those moments you called present slip between your fingers with you barely notice it. But some say "It's a gift". That's why it is called the present. That's another way to look at it. It's ironic I would say. Right now I can swear it's the present but by the time I finished writing this sentence it's in the past already. It's like it has never been there. But it was there just now. I could go crazy thinking about it.

I also think that time is the biggest illusion of all time. Hah. But yes. You see the exact amount of time can be excruciatingly long and extremely short at the same time. A minute can be long when you are holding your breath for example and can be meaningless say.. when you are doing things that you love or it can be extremely important like when you are saving someone's life. But still it's only a minute. 60 seconds. tick. tick. There it goes.
Oh, Jeffery Deaver in his novel describes time as an illusion too. It goes something like this.

The past is an illusion,
The future is an illusion,
Only the present is real.

Yes. So true.

Time makes the heart grew fonder. Time makes us forget. Really? Some things you don't just forget. Some things you just can't let go. and it hurt. Sometimes it is just not enough to heal the wound. I'm just saying.

Future. An anticipation. A hope. Merely a creation of mind.

Owh. I'm running out of time. I'm writing this post to kill the time in between classes. Now I wish I could buy more time so I can write more. What the hell. Sori lah teha klu xcukup panjang. hehe.

Metamorphosis

I've always wonder. Can people really change? Yes human learn, grow mature but change? I don't know. I wonder because I've never seen one.

I've seen people who get all high spirits during the early time they are trying to change. They'll all do things they never used to. But, in the end they'll go back to become the person that they used to be. Like after attending a motivational talk, I'll get all disciplined and motivated for a few hours, but then I'll forget all about it. Oh I've seen a person who tried to start a new life, change, become a better man but in the end he ends up ruining other people's life including mine. I don't hate the intention and effort to change but it made me realize it must be really hard.

Well, people do change sometimes I guess when they really need to. Maybe once a smoker gets a lung cancer, he'll stop smoking. Or maybe people change when they have a reason or someone to count on to. I don't think people change because he alone wants to. There must be something that triggers it and keeps him going. Some change for the better and some change for the worse.

What do I mean change. I hate changes. It's so comfortable being myself right now. But a little part of me wants to change. It's not that I want to change something drastic about myself. It's just change how I handle things and situations. But I don't think I can. I'm not trying hard enough or maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I'm actually trying too hard this time. It scares the crap out of me if I fail. I already got the reason that should be enough to keep me going. I sure is hope that I'll succeed. Oh please.

Yay~!

From syida~ wee. my first award. she says there's something about my writing. :D


I'll pass it on to..
1. A medical student - she being herself is fun.
2. Haxi the baker - BM yg hebat and funny wordplay.
3. watch-doc - walaupn kdg2 xphm, adore the passion.
4. klu bole nak kasi 11th-colony - members ny yg sgt pandai gaduh, kontroversi, comment dan tak puas hati. ugh.

Potrait

Tiada kerja dan saya sayang mereka~
Selamat tahun barus semua~ 2009 and 1430h