Everybody, eventually

If you were given a choice, how long would you want to live? A split second answer might be forever. But if you think closely you might don't want it.

Everyone is afraid of death. People use all of their might to keep on living, even though their life might be as suck as hell. Maybe not literally. But why are we afraid of it. In my religious belief I have solid reasons why to be afraid. But others, I don't know. Because some of them believe that when we die we will all go straight to heaven, if that's the case why got scared? Well, I think because we don't what will happen after we die and you have to go through it alone. Nobody has live through it and tell the stories to others.

Being immortal sounds fun. Just because you won't die. But then in all of the fictions they all can't die but also remain young. You know like all those pretty vampires. Maybe that's okay. Still, you'll get pretty lonely and maybe a little bored. But if we are immortal and turn old, I don't think anyone would want that. Could you imagine how ugly you'll look if you are 1000 years old, I'll be like come on kill me already.

So, if you got the chance to choose the age you'll die, what will it be?

At the age of 40 they said life has just begun. 50, hmm, maybe you thought you haven't live enough. At 60 usually when all the diseases starts coming in. Well, maybe 60. Because at 70 you'll be kinda too old to do much. I wouldn't want to live until I'm all sick and bedridden, poop on diapers and all. Because that's pretty much not a life anymore.

But the scariest thing about death is that it come unannounced. It could be anytime, anywhere and anyone. You know, even the most powerful leader in the world who are being protected 24/7 can simply die of choking a fish bone, for example. Not so powerful after all isn't it?

They say it's blind

I've been watching a lot of Ellen Degeneres lately, I know she has been married to a girl. Portia De Rossi to be exact but I've never seen they together before until now. You know, when I finally see them together I thought they look really in love and sweet. I mean is it really possible? for you to love someone of the same gender as you.

Would you call it love? You know, as they define it like those classical love of a boy and a girl we grow up watch.

I'm not against it or anything, but I just can stand to accept it. I mean for the Americans. But the thing is, what an American does, the world follows. That's bothersome, especially all those stupid Malaysian kids who would do anything they saw on TV.

I've tried to be okay with it but then too much things come into my mind. It's like two same poles of magnets put together.

Later on, I found out that Adam Lambert is gay too. (I know,kinda late) That disappointing. Even Barney from how I met your mother is gay. uh.

If everyone is gay, especially those talented and good looking ones, who's going to produce the next generation of gay. I know they like to adopt children from a heterosexual couple or a surrogate mother or a girl who got knocked up and sane enough not to throw it away in the dumpsters like a baby is a complementary gift of bad relationship.


I don't know maybe that's why they say love is blind.

6,814,400,000 minus 1

I most certainly think that my life is so important. Sometimes, even stepping on a cat poop can be a big deal to me. But so does everyone else. You know there's like 6.8 billion people in this world and I bet each of them thought so too.

And it's kinda ridiculous to say one life is superior than others. Its equally important. 6,814,400,000 people minus 1. Does it matter? What if it is you?

So, yeah. If one day my house got bombed and I lost a limb or a millionaire goes bankrupt or a pauper became a millionaire overnight. Each of them must think that its like the most important think that can ever happen to them. But to others it could be just another headlines they read as they pass a newsstand.

I just want to say that, life goes on. No matter how bad it gets(or good). There's nothing like a pause or a fast forward button that could help you get through it. It's not gonna undo itself no matter how hard you wish. Other people wouldn't care as much either, because it's not their life.

Anyway, there it is. I was really dreading to start a new posting and thought of these. :D

Ramming up!

Lets join me to the experience of upgrading my laptop's memory. It was scary as hell, so I kept stalling but actually it took only about 15mins tops to install it. Here's the pictures. Looks like I got nothing else better to do.(apart from having to finish the yearbook. uhhh)


stuffs you need





Yummy. 4gb. One of the awesome birthday presents this year.
Next, I need to get an antivirus and a new hard disk!

The grass is always greener on the other side.

What we have is always never good enough. There's always something else better than it. I mean always.

It always looked good and better when we don't have it. Well. Have you like dream to really want something? You know like an awesome gadgets, the coolest guy in school or a promotion in your career. The thing that we want always has this cool characteristics like very good looking, or 8 megapixels. We start to build our own imagination, about how good will it feels to actually have it.

And then, if someday we do actually got it. It doesn't feels as great as we'd imagine it, well maybe at first, but then other things would show up and we would want that too. The cycle will just starts over again.

Like I said. Never good enough. Or like some would say, "there's always a hotter girl"

I know we are thought to be grateful of what we have because some people might never had the chance. But then we just can't help it.

However, to have these dreams or desires actually make us move forward. You know it creates this passion to get something better, to be better. People will make new things, something more awesome. Next thing you know, there's 10 megapixels.

Well, if not. The world won't change, we'll still wear animal skins as clothes, people don't shave and communicates through smokes or pigeons.

**pic-total randomness. my brother with my little cousin who follows him like a shadow

A little confuse

I'm turning 22 soon. Still halfway through medical school. Live a routine life. Pretty ordinary. All laid out. Its just getting pretty boring.

I wanted to do something out of myself. Something big and important. Make a history or make a difference to the world. Well not really. Just something different than now. Make myself useful. You know, rather than just go to school, eat, weep over sappy movies and then sleep.

If only I could just quit everything right now and go somewhere else. Start from scratch and be someone. Well. That kind of life only works in movies. It's not that simple.

Just sometimes. How I really wish to be a I don't know a famous actress or a successful athlete or conquer the Everest or be the first Angsawanita (haha, there's no such thing) and travel to the moon. What I mean is I want to do something I really love and be really awesome at it.

Not that I'm not grateful with my life right now, but I just not living it to the fullest.

However. Come to think of I still can change the world with my life right now. I mean, it is just really up to me.

I want to write a book. Produce a movie. Be in a band. Create a video game. I want to be aggressive and impulsive. Be a voice of a cartoon character. Join a cosplay. Dance my heart out. Be a painter. Alright I'd better stop. xx

Crumbs of worthless.

I'm awfully bored today and I just want to write something. So just let's talk about me~ wahaha.

First thing people say about me is I don't look my age and their guess would be much much younger than I actually am. Which I'm grateful and sometimes not. The good thing is I look young but because of that people are skeptical of me. I always need to show my license during a roadblock and patients frequently ask my age.

I don't like to socialize unnecessarily. Only do when I really need to. But I still love human company though.

My whole life I've always been average never the best. Always kinda good but not good enough. Be it sports, studies or looks.

I'm great in masking my feelings. I just don't like people to bother. But the thing is I just don't know how to express it.

I'm highly dependent to my laptop. Would literally die of boredom without it. I love computers. I love internet. I think that we could learn everything from the internet and they are zillions of talented people we can find out there.

Really wish for a powerful laptop and super-fast internet.

I love photoshop too. But still can't really be awesome with it. Would love to learn about all those adobe softwares and others.

I love my D60 but I'm not sure about photography because it pisses me of most of the time. Still can't get a hold of it and it costs too much.

My spelling sucks. Thank goodness for those red underline that appeared every time I spelled wrong. If only they can correct grammar too.

I used to hate pink very much. But now I really don't know anymore.

I grew up with video games, books and a lot of TVs. My dad raised me halfway like a boy. He thought me all about football, brought me to his rugby practices, introduce me the computers since the age of four and bought me lots of books. But that was all when he was once.

I skipped schools, shoplifts and get into fights but that was like years ago.

Lazy is my second nature, procrastination is my hobby.

I always thought most people are lame because I thought I'm cool. haha. No I just really hate pretentious people. Which almost everyone is, including me.

I love sneakers but I love heels too. That is bothersome because there's too much to want. But my brother would really brings out my shopping desires.

Currently had an massive infatuation over Jang Geun Suk :D but I love my buney dearly.

Too much unnecessary information. Really manage to kill the time. Oh2. Harini dapat 'mangkuk' dari Mr. Jun. haha.

When he's from venus and I'm from mars

Or in other word he is more of a girl than I am. I'm not saying this blindly but you'll see why.

1. He has more girl best friends than I do. Not comparing to the number of guy best friends that I have (which is none, haha, anti social) but compared to the number of my girl best friends. Yeah. Seriously. It's like part of a deal or something.

2. He spends more time looking at the mirror than I am. Especially with his new hair.

3. He shops a lot. Will always find a reason to buy things. Be it some kind of clothing, camera, sports or computer stuffs. The first thing that he spots at a mall is the SALE sign. But good thing about it he always got a good buy. At a very good price. But when he had an eye for one thing, he won't stop talking about it until he gets it.

4. He cares and he thinks. Which are the things that I don't really like to bother. He thinks too much sometimes it makes him really miserable.

5. He is always the one who do the talking, always initiates 'the talk' while I ran away from it.

6. He's deep and complicated and I'm superficial.

7. He notice little things about people while I'm like Oh really?

8. He's like very articulate and neat, but I'm a little all over the place. uh.

9. He's the drama queen. Haha. No he is just more sensitive. He does things that are out of your minds when he is emotional while I usually just sit and act like nothing happen

hmm. could have done better.

But then, he's a guy alright, he forgets and can be as ignorant as any other guys too. and yeah, I sounded kinda lousy.

Oh well. I guess maybe when everyone came to earth they just.. evolved. :D

White coat strollers

Medicine is awesome. That's what I think. I mean all the stuff that we have been studying during the pre-clinical years actually do come true. They do, just like in the textbook. So, we will be kinda get excited with stuff that others think is nothing or completely ridiculous. Talk medical jargon as daily basis. Joke about something only few people will understand and finds it funny.


When we are in the ward all we need to do is clerking and sometimes physical examinations. Its fun actually, it's like a guessing game. Try to diagnose a disease by asking just the right questions. However, we are dealing with people, to do that I think we need an air of superiority around us. Just a little, not until its demeaning. Just enough so people will actually response and obey you because they are sick so sometime they are not in the mood to talk. Which I find most of the final years students have and some of the third year students. But I don't or maybe yet to discover.

You know, to us. Even poking a finger into someone's anus can be intriguing.

In medical world, you put everything into short forms. New posting, new short forms. Say, now I'm in surgical posting, I learned - ESWL, IVU, IO, SIRS, CVP, CBD, SPC and so much more. Even the most ridiculous meaning like E/A - electively admitted or TTO kot - to transfer out. Some short forms might means different to a layman, for example to my sister GBS is geng bas sekolah but to us its Gullian-Barre syndrome. PR can means public relation but it also means per rectal.

Being called stupid is like a routine.

Being young and brilliant is basically nothing. But the older you are the cooler. Because medicine is measured by experience and skills. The longer you practice means that you've seen more. Because sometimes two patients with the same disease can come with a whole different presentation. Or sometimes in different severity.

What's common is common. It's true I guess. That's why patient with a rare disease can be a celebrity among us. :D

okachan

This is my mummy. Or I called her ibu. I tell u, she's a lady. She can cook well, sew and knit amazingly, a thoughtful hostess and very well mannered. Well, that actually compared to me. I don't know what happen, but all those genes seem to just skipped me. Uhh. I'm nothing like her. Physically there might be some resemblances but not more than that I think.

But apart from that she's also very strong. Given the things she has gone through. I know she really love and care about us. Very protective. She spoils us but not materialistically. I admit. I'm very dependent to her. You know, in doing adult stuff, like going to the bank, phone bills, renewing license and all.

I must tell you, she was an excellent athlete. Up to the state level. Lumba Lari. huu. Had tons of medals and trophies. But, up until now, she seems to be good in every sports she involved. Now, at office level bowling. And already had lines of trophies.

Letting her down is my biggest fear. I tried to live my life up to her wishes though sometimes I disappoint her. But most of the times if I were to do something she wouldn't approve I'll usually don't tell her or simply lied. Uh. If only she knew. When I believe what you don't know won't hurt you. I know. That's wrong.

Recently, I did disappoint her. Even made her cried. I would blame the circumstances. And of course myself. But. At that everything didn't turned out well. And she said one time when she really needs me, I let her down. I didn't mean to, but the situation looks like I did. But we are fine after that. Hopefully.

My little sister is her little obsession, but then when she went to boarding school my mum seems to lost her way.

She's the best. Always have my best wishes for her. And I might not say this out loud to her. But, I love her. :)