A little confuse

I'm turning 22 soon. Still halfway through medical school. Live a routine life. Pretty ordinary. All laid out. Its just getting pretty boring.

I wanted to do something out of myself. Something big and important. Make a history or make a difference to the world. Well not really. Just something different than now. Make myself useful. You know, rather than just go to school, eat, weep over sappy movies and then sleep.

If only I could just quit everything right now and go somewhere else. Start from scratch and be someone. Well. That kind of life only works in movies. It's not that simple.

Just sometimes. How I really wish to be a I don't know a famous actress or a successful athlete or conquer the Everest or be the first Angsawanita (haha, there's no such thing) and travel to the moon. What I mean is I want to do something I really love and be really awesome at it.

Not that I'm not grateful with my life right now, but I just not living it to the fullest.

However. Come to think of I still can change the world with my life right now. I mean, it is just really up to me.

I want to write a book. Produce a movie. Be in a band. Create a video game. I want to be aggressive and impulsive. Be a voice of a cartoon character. Join a cosplay. Dance my heart out. Be a painter. Alright I'd better stop. xx

Crumbs of worthless.

I'm awfully bored today and I just want to write something. So just let's talk about me~ wahaha.

First thing people say about me is I don't look my age and their guess would be much much younger than I actually am. Which I'm grateful and sometimes not. The good thing is I look young but because of that people are skeptical of me. I always need to show my license during a roadblock and patients frequently ask my age.

I don't like to socialize unnecessarily. Only do when I really need to. But I still love human company though.

My whole life I've always been average never the best. Always kinda good but not good enough. Be it sports, studies or looks.

I'm great in masking my feelings. I just don't like people to bother. But the thing is I just don't know how to express it.

I'm highly dependent to my laptop. Would literally die of boredom without it. I love computers. I love internet. I think that we could learn everything from the internet and they are zillions of talented people we can find out there.

Really wish for a powerful laptop and super-fast internet.

I love photoshop too. But still can't really be awesome with it. Would love to learn about all those adobe softwares and others.

I love my D60 but I'm not sure about photography because it pisses me of most of the time. Still can't get a hold of it and it costs too much.

My spelling sucks. Thank goodness for those red underline that appeared every time I spelled wrong. If only they can correct grammar too.

I used to hate pink very much. But now I really don't know anymore.

I grew up with video games, books and a lot of TVs. My dad raised me halfway like a boy. He thought me all about football, brought me to his rugby practices, introduce me the computers since the age of four and bought me lots of books. But that was all when he was once.

I skipped schools, shoplifts and get into fights but that was like years ago.

Lazy is my second nature, procrastination is my hobby.

I always thought most people are lame because I thought I'm cool. haha. No I just really hate pretentious people. Which almost everyone is, including me.

I love sneakers but I love heels too. That is bothersome because there's too much to want. But my brother would really brings out my shopping desires.

Currently had an massive infatuation over Jang Geun Suk :D but I love my buney dearly.

Too much unnecessary information. Really manage to kill the time. Oh2. Harini dapat 'mangkuk' dari Mr. Jun. haha.

When he's from venus and I'm from mars

Or in other word he is more of a girl than I am. I'm not saying this blindly but you'll see why.

1. He has more girl best friends than I do. Not comparing to the number of guy best friends that I have (which is none, haha, anti social) but compared to the number of my girl best friends. Yeah. Seriously. It's like part of a deal or something.

2. He spends more time looking at the mirror than I am. Especially with his new hair.

3. He shops a lot. Will always find a reason to buy things. Be it some kind of clothing, camera, sports or computer stuffs. The first thing that he spots at a mall is the SALE sign. But good thing about it he always got a good buy. At a very good price. But when he had an eye for one thing, he won't stop talking about it until he gets it.

4. He cares and he thinks. Which are the things that I don't really like to bother. He thinks too much sometimes it makes him really miserable.

5. He is always the one who do the talking, always initiates 'the talk' while I ran away from it.

6. He's deep and complicated and I'm superficial.

7. He notice little things about people while I'm like Oh really?

8. He's like very articulate and neat, but I'm a little all over the place. uh.

9. He's the drama queen. Haha. No he is just more sensitive. He does things that are out of your minds when he is emotional while I usually just sit and act like nothing happen

hmm. could have done better.

But then, he's a guy alright, he forgets and can be as ignorant as any other guys too. and yeah, I sounded kinda lousy.

Oh well. I guess maybe when everyone came to earth they just.. evolved. :D

White coat strollers

Medicine is awesome. That's what I think. I mean all the stuff that we have been studying during the pre-clinical years actually do come true. They do, just like in the textbook. So, we will be kinda get excited with stuff that others think is nothing or completely ridiculous. Talk medical jargon as daily basis. Joke about something only few people will understand and finds it funny.


When we are in the ward all we need to do is clerking and sometimes physical examinations. Its fun actually, it's like a guessing game. Try to diagnose a disease by asking just the right questions. However, we are dealing with people, to do that I think we need an air of superiority around us. Just a little, not until its demeaning. Just enough so people will actually response and obey you because they are sick so sometime they are not in the mood to talk. Which I find most of the final years students have and some of the third year students. But I don't or maybe yet to discover.

You know, to us. Even poking a finger into someone's anus can be intriguing.

In medical world, you put everything into short forms. New posting, new short forms. Say, now I'm in surgical posting, I learned - ESWL, IVU, IO, SIRS, CVP, CBD, SPC and so much more. Even the most ridiculous meaning like E/A - electively admitted or TTO kot - to transfer out. Some short forms might means different to a layman, for example to my sister GBS is geng bas sekolah but to us its Gullian-Barre syndrome. PR can means public relation but it also means per rectal.

Being called stupid is like a routine.

Being young and brilliant is basically nothing. But the older you are the cooler. Because medicine is measured by experience and skills. The longer you practice means that you've seen more. Because sometimes two patients with the same disease can come with a whole different presentation. Or sometimes in different severity.

What's common is common. It's true I guess. That's why patient with a rare disease can be a celebrity among us. :D

okachan

This is my mummy. Or I called her ibu. I tell u, she's a lady. She can cook well, sew and knit amazingly, a thoughtful hostess and very well mannered. Well, that actually compared to me. I don't know what happen, but all those genes seem to just skipped me. Uhh. I'm nothing like her. Physically there might be some resemblances but not more than that I think.

But apart from that she's also very strong. Given the things she has gone through. I know she really love and care about us. Very protective. She spoils us but not materialistically. I admit. I'm very dependent to her. You know, in doing adult stuff, like going to the bank, phone bills, renewing license and all.

I must tell you, she was an excellent athlete. Up to the state level. Lumba Lari. huu. Had tons of medals and trophies. But, up until now, she seems to be good in every sports she involved. Now, at office level bowling. And already had lines of trophies.

Letting her down is my biggest fear. I tried to live my life up to her wishes though sometimes I disappoint her. But most of the times if I were to do something she wouldn't approve I'll usually don't tell her or simply lied. Uh. If only she knew. When I believe what you don't know won't hurt you. I know. That's wrong.

Recently, I did disappoint her. Even made her cried. I would blame the circumstances. And of course myself. But. At that everything didn't turned out well. And she said one time when she really needs me, I let her down. I didn't mean to, but the situation looks like I did. But we are fine after that. Hopefully.

My little sister is her little obsession, but then when she went to boarding school my mum seems to lost her way.

She's the best. Always have my best wishes for her. And I might not say this out loud to her. But, I love her. :)

Shiny

New isn't always great
Old isn't always wise
But all we can do is keep moving foward
So, yeah. Happy New Year~

The swans say hi~
Pic by nawfal. Dipakse suh mention nih.

Setahun Jagung

Hati. Perasaan. dan Harapan.
Pretty and Ugly truth.
Sweet but sometimes bitter
It's been one year. A pretty one.
and hopefully more to come.
I don't know.
My faith fluctuates sometimes.
Though most of the time I can't be more confident about it.
What the hell
But yeay~ :D

Jiwa dan Perasaan.

Feelings don't lie. Yes you can hide it, mask it all you want but in the end the feelings is still there. You can't be happy just because you want to be happy. The feelings is still there even if you don't want it to be there. Say, you really don't want to be angry to someone but then if that person did the exact thing that make you really angry. Oh dear, that just can't be helped.

Even a teeny tiny bit of feelings. It's there. I find it really disturbing. wahh~

Memang xboleh tipu. It's just up to you to accept it or deny it. :D

Sementara menunggu turn bedside teaching with Dr. Fadzil~

Young before old

not him ok
I know a man. An old man actually. When I was little, he was rich, has multiple wive plus had some affairs too. I know because I heard about it even saw it once. Didn't know what I saw then but now I do. Uh. Living the life he won't be so proud of now. Anyway. At that time he was on top of the world, rich and handsome. Had beautiful children who acted just like him, well not all of them.

But then things started to turn around. Bussiness collapse and when you're poor girls left you. Luckily one stay, as usual the first wife. I guess. Live up with his pension. Whiled he stayed home. He eventually changed. He became this guy who wears white robe, went to the mosque for every prayers. One that impress me is that he even wrote a book. About behavioural problems, how to live life the way prophet Muhammad SAW did. How to do it in our time. Ironic. Anyway. It doesn't matter who he is, what matter is what he wrote.

So, it got me thinking. Can we live our life recklessly when we are young, then when we are old just repent. Just repent and everything will be fine. It's not fair. Well, in this case I think he's just lucky. He got to live up to this age and realized what a jerk he was.

I think because when we are old. We have gone through all the big milestones of life that most young people look foward to. You know, like finishing studies, have a career, getting married, have children and granchildren or even contract a disease. Then, what's left is the end of your life. Maybe at that time only we'll think. All that is left to do is surrendering ourselves to God.

That we should have done as early as we can. Which I know very hard and I wish to be as lucky as him.

p/s: uh. sorry bad photoshop.

Pretty Ugly

I love good looking people. You name it pretty, beautiful, handsome or dashing I just love them all. In fact. Everyone does. I mean they are just so nice to look at and everyone would like to be one. They even get special treatment from others. I've seen it a lot. I do that too sometimes. Even in the ward cute babies get more attention than the others.

Some people can even use looks to earn money. That's just so nice.

However. When we are in the sea of strangers and we are lost. Or when we are performing on a stage in front of a big crowd. Or when we are in a deepest trouble. Or when we are so sad. We don't look for the prettiest people in town or the best looking guy in school. We'll look for the familiar face. Faces of someone who is close and important to you. We won't care if they are ugly or pretty. Even a Miss Universe can't beat that.

Well, unless the miss universe is someone important to you la kan. :D