Shiny

New isn't always great
Old isn't always wise
But all we can do is keep moving foward
So, yeah. Happy New Year~

The swans say hi~
Pic by nawfal. Dipakse suh mention nih.

Setahun Jagung

Hati. Perasaan. dan Harapan.
Pretty and Ugly truth.
Sweet but sometimes bitter
It's been one year. A pretty one.
and hopefully more to come.
I don't know.
My faith fluctuates sometimes.
Though most of the time I can't be more confident about it.
What the hell
But yeay~ :D

Jiwa dan Perasaan.

Feelings don't lie. Yes you can hide it, mask it all you want but in the end the feelings is still there. You can't be happy just because you want to be happy. The feelings is still there even if you don't want it to be there. Say, you really don't want to be angry to someone but then if that person did the exact thing that make you really angry. Oh dear, that just can't be helped.

Even a teeny tiny bit of feelings. It's there. I find it really disturbing. wahh~

Memang xboleh tipu. It's just up to you to accept it or deny it. :D

Sementara menunggu turn bedside teaching with Dr. Fadzil~

Young before old

not him ok
I know a man. An old man actually. When I was little, he was rich, has multiple wive plus had some affairs too. I know because I heard about it even saw it once. Didn't know what I saw then but now I do. Uh. Living the life he won't be so proud of now. Anyway. At that time he was on top of the world, rich and handsome. Had beautiful children who acted just like him, well not all of them.

But then things started to turn around. Bussiness collapse and when you're poor girls left you. Luckily one stay, as usual the first wife. I guess. Live up with his pension. Whiled he stayed home. He eventually changed. He became this guy who wears white robe, went to the mosque for every prayers. One that impress me is that he even wrote a book. About behavioural problems, how to live life the way prophet Muhammad SAW did. How to do it in our time. Ironic. Anyway. It doesn't matter who he is, what matter is what he wrote.

So, it got me thinking. Can we live our life recklessly when we are young, then when we are old just repent. Just repent and everything will be fine. It's not fair. Well, in this case I think he's just lucky. He got to live up to this age and realized what a jerk he was.

I think because when we are old. We have gone through all the big milestones of life that most young people look foward to. You know, like finishing studies, have a career, getting married, have children and granchildren or even contract a disease. Then, what's left is the end of your life. Maybe at that time only we'll think. All that is left to do is surrendering ourselves to God.

That we should have done as early as we can. Which I know very hard and I wish to be as lucky as him.

p/s: uh. sorry bad photoshop.

Pretty Ugly

I love good looking people. You name it pretty, beautiful, handsome or dashing I just love them all. In fact. Everyone does. I mean they are just so nice to look at and everyone would like to be one. They even get special treatment from others. I've seen it a lot. I do that too sometimes. Even in the ward cute babies get more attention than the others.

Some people can even use looks to earn money. That's just so nice.

However. When we are in the sea of strangers and we are lost. Or when we are performing on a stage in front of a big crowd. Or when we are in a deepest trouble. Or when we are so sad. We don't look for the prettiest people in town or the best looking guy in school. We'll look for the familiar face. Faces of someone who is close and important to you. We won't care if they are ugly or pretty. Even a Miss Universe can't beat that.

Well, unless the miss universe is someone important to you la kan. :D

Double Dose

Don't you think its selfish to call yourself unselfish? Come to think of it, everyone is selfish. Things that we do for others usually in a way also has a benefit to ourselves too. No matter how noble it seems there's always something behind it that has some personal profit on us. Like rich people gave donation, as a result they will get recognition for being generous. A guy helped an elderly to cross a road, he'll get self-satisfaction. It's a good thing but you know the guy won't help the elderly in the first place if he's gonna hate himself afterwards. Sometimes we just do good things just to please others so that we won't look bad or sometimes we just do good things so that in the future people will do the same to you too. Don't you think? Ish. I just hate that when people claim how unselfish they were, how they've done this and that sincerely just to help others. Then why would you tell others about it, just so that people will adore you? aih. You can tell it all you want to others but just don't call yourself unselfish.

Enough about that.

Anyway, how do you expect people to listen to you if you don't listen to others? People talked a lot. I mean a lot. And they expect others to listen. Listen and understand and share the same emotions as what they are having. But then when others talked they're are just like, 'Oh really?' and that's all. Unless it's some controversial issues or some stupid jokes. I know it's tiring, especially listening to others problems but can't you just listen. Don't do other stuff or changed the topic and don't undermine or ridicule what they had said. It hurts when people just said "ala, xde pape tuh" or just laughed it away. It's hard for some people to confide and it usually something very important for them. Just listen and try to understand even though if its really hard to accept.

Well, its not entirely true but you know it happens.

**the pic - me brother with his crazy friends. huu. xbes skolah pn lagi dorg mih. saje buang mase edit. anyway i just love the outcome. plus got nothing to do with this post pn**

Crying shame

Everyone has been in a fight before. Indeed everyone fights. children. adults. siblings. parents. couples. friends. politicians. People fight for many reasons but the thing with fight is both party will think that they are one who are right.

Siblings rivalry is common. But they don't usually last long especially when you are still young. But the urge to fight usually can't be helped and most of the time for ridiculous reasons, like why his piece of cake is bigger or I'm just better in everything.

Boys fight with violence. Well they are suppose to. Its just who they are.

Schoolgirls fight with words, lots and lots of words and maybe sometimes with some hair pulling episodes.

Couples fight for emotions. Complicated emotions.

Parents usually fight between responsibilities and personal needs.

Fight in friendships usually destructive. I don't know, in my experience. They don't usually turned out to be the same again. It feels awkward to act like before.

Politicians? they throw chairs. Huu. Well they fight behind the name of professionalism.

But fights don't usually solve anything. Fights will only feed your anger. Confrontation maybe. In a right way la. Ah. Gle malas nak berfikir dan menaip. But it sure is a shame when a bunch of full grown guys acted like schoolgirls. Talking and blaming behind people back. Well, grow some balls lah while you are at it. wahaha. selamat tinggal~ ugh.

Roarrr!

This is a pointless post. I just had the urge to write so I have to.

Oh dear clinical years. How many types of people you can meet. It made me question myself why do I do medicine. I don't even like people. I don't know the art of sucking up either. But these people they sure are interesting. How I long for those preclincal years.

Alright. Here's how I see things in the hospital. I always think it as a jungle. A very thick jungle. You sometimes can even see a food chain. Of course we medical students are the lowest in it. The most naive and vulnerable. This food chain I would say is dominated by Lions. Kings of the jungle who are the oldest lion that would be the Consultant and Speacialist. The most wise. Next would be the young adult lions and teenage lions. Well those are the Medical Officers and the House Officers. These busy bees do all the hardwork but the older they are the more they tend to forget how they used to be young. Then come us, the Cubs. The most eager. Who always crave for attention. Oh dear. These lions there sure are wise but they are also fierce, arrogant and they really like to roar. However they will always look dashing when they are perfoming surgeries, procedures and all while others wacthing in awe. There is maybe a handful of supernice Lions in the jungle but we must not forget the evil ones too. They are just unpredictable and unreasonably demeaning. huh.

Next, come the Deers. They usually provide for the Lions. That would be the nurses and other health staffs. They are very fast and efficient. They even sometimes don't really like the cubs because they know what will we grow up into.

Then come the plants. They are green and almost unappreciated. We sometimes forget how important they are. They clean all the mess those Lions and Deers had done. What will happen to the jungle without those plants. Well meet the Radicare people.

However I'm having trouble classifying the patients. Well. Maybe we can considered them as other species of animals because they are all sorts of people that came with all sorts of problems to seek advise from the Lions.

Whoa. That's a long crappy thing I just wrote. Huu. Kate obses. Bangun n tidur pun ingat logbook. :D


Here is one of the kings in action. heh. Cool eh?

Hello World

Sometimes we think that we own the world. It's so familiar, it's so predictable. But you can't own the world even my world is totally different from yours. Maybe you can own your world but sometimes even our own world seems out of hand.

I mean, today could be the saddest day of my life but who knows it could be the happiest day of someone else who just had the same experience as me. Be it a walk in the park or receiving a text message.

I hate changes. It makes me feel not in control. Changes are sometimes a problem. Say, hmm.. If you lost someone or if a family splits things can never be the same again. The world that was so familiar before are now different. How your routine life will change. If before there are five people in the family and now there are four. Its sounds like a no big different but actually its a tremendous lost. At these times we'll only realize those small parts that one particular person did to our life. Okay, maybe losing someone is too big of a change. But let's say we go to class or office everyday with a car, the trip was routine and almost forgettable. but if suddenly on one fine day one of the tires punctured - that would be a problem and we have to deal with it.

Changes remind us that we are not always in control with our life.

I was in a labour room one day, you know its timeless in there. Those babies they come out anytime they like. It was 3 a.m. at that time. It was hectic, people running around with their works, you could see a few worried and sleepy husbands here and there and if you enter one of the room you could hear doctors and nurses cheering to help the labour process. Macam pasar borong. Anyway, I was cold, tired and sleepy. So I went outside for a while. It took me almost by surprise. The night was warm, silent and serene. The sky was very pretty with stars everywhere and you could almost feel people are sleeping out there. Completely different from where I've been 30 seconds ago. I don't know, at that time I felt so small and the world is so big. :D

*pic - balqis again~ my favorite little person

The villain in you

I wonder does our childhood shape who we are today. I mean, we have seen all these in the movies and TV series. A child with a horrible childhood usually turned out to be the bad guy. You know, we have Sylar from Heroes or Voldemort from Harry Potter. They always give reasons why the villains are villains.

My childhood wasn't all that great. Maybe it does shaped who am I today. A little. Back then, when we have problems at home I always pretend nothing happened, I'll just go to school and act that everything is fine even though horrible things happened just before I go to school. But then, at that time I was little and I can ignore them because there's nothing else I can do. Just hope and pray it will solve itself. And to me it does solve itself, but you just have to bear with it. However. I got carried away. The way I face problems today never changed. Ignoring and hoping always the way to go.

I don't know. Maybe it does shape you. It taught you how the way you see things. The way you think because when you were a child everything is a first. Maybe because of repeated exposure. You know, just like Pavlov's dog theory. Maybe it all accounts as experiences. The way a rich kid act can be different from a poor kid just because their perceptions towards the same situation is different.

Maybe to some their childhood doesn't really affect who they are today. Or maybe they just don't realize it or maybe the effects wasn't that significant because it doesn't make them villains today. So we think. :D

*pic - humaira, my three year old cousin. huu. abes sume cousin kne promote. gadis gedix bersuare menggoda. wahaha. xcaye? met her as a guy. tapi sgt comey n talks too much.